The Peter Pettigrew Fan Club
by books4evah
Summary: Welcome to the the Marauder Fan Club-where you are free to drool over and fantasize about the classic hunk Jame Potter, the rebellious bad boy Sirius Black, and the quiet, sensitive Remus Lupin. There's just one problem-where's Peter's fan club? JPLE FLAL PPMM And remember that Rita, as president, gets first dibs.
1. Phase 1 The Plan

As it turns out, the summaries are supposed to be G-rated. I didn't think about that, and therefore used the word "masturbate" in my summary. Oops. Sorry to the children out there. Really sorry. Anyway, the original _Peter Pettigrew Fan Club_was taken down, and now I am taking the opportunity to revamp the story and repost it. This time, I'm separating the phases, so there'll be five chapters. Exciting, huh?

It's rated M to be safe-pardon my nervousness; I already had this story taken down once.

To all newcomers to the story, I just want to say, this story was written to vindicate Peter. Many fanfics on this site will mention James Potter Fan Clubs and Sirius Black Fan Clubs, and sometimes the Remus Lupin Fan Club, but I've never seen Peter with a fan club. I find that Peter is treated unfairly in stories-either he rarely makes appearances or the author will just delete him all together (usually with the aid of a parenthetical rant in the middle of the story). I love canon, but I don't think Peter's respected enough-even JK made him fat and pathetic. I just want to give Peter the treatment he deserves as a marauder-and more than that, I'm giving him a girlfriend, which I dare say I've never seen before.

Of course, the story is not just about Peter, so those of you reluctant to read about a traitor, don't worry. There's plenty of Lily and James and more.

* * *

**PHASE 1—The Plan**

_Do you want a sexy Quidditch player? Do you dream of steaming up sexy round glasses at night? Do you wish you could perform pranks on the Slytherins, sexily? Do you know deep down in your soul that you will marry a guy who will provide you with a sexy heir to your sexy family and who will defeat the not-sexy Voldemort?_

_Or, do you prefer a more mysterious, tall, darker, sexy man? Do you have a passion for sexy flying motorbike sexy acrobatics? Do you have a sexy fetish for sexy curtains, and dream of performing sexy BDSM sex, pretending to kill sexy men with those sexy curtains? Do you have a sexy libido for men with even sexier libidos?_

_Well, then the James and Sirius Fan Clubs are for you! Meet other girls with the same love and devotion for James Potter and Sirius Black! Drool over, fantasize about, masturbate to, and angrily kill those other bitches who endanger your chances with these two classic sex gods. One day, they will love us all back._

_(And to those who doubt the inevitable, well, we've got news for you. James and Sirius will love us back, even if it takes lots of rope, duct tape, handcuffs, and cases of Stockholm Syndrome.)_

_All are welcome! Even guys—we've heard some naughty stuff about Sirius! So everyone and anyone interested, come on down! (Except, not you Sturgis Podmore. There is now white stuff all over my picture of James and Sirius in a sexy naked man hug. It was a work of art, and now it is ruined.) So, unless you're Sturgis Podmore, please come! Prove McGonagall wrong—that we're a real club! And James and Sirius, you two are MORE than welcome._

_Meetings are on Tuesdays and Thursdays, at 4:00 p.m. for James, 5:00 p.m. for Sirius, in the Potions Room, with our incredibly dedicated sponsor, Professor Slughorn. _

_And remember, I, as always, get first dibs._

_Sincerely/Love to James and Sirius,_

_Rita Skeeter, Marauder Fan Club President_

_P.S. For those of you more interested in steamy back-of-the-library sexy sex scenes, we have also just started, due to fair demand (and somehow, though I'm not quite sure, the persistence of a three year old named "Tonks"), the Remus Lupin Fan Club will meet on Wednesdays at 6:00, in the library with Madam Pince, and much chocolate will be available._

"So, what's the point of showing this to me again?"

"Because it doesn't mention me once!" Peter Pettigrew cried, brandishing the neon pink flyer right in front of Marlene's face.

"Peter, there are lots of things that don't mention you. I doubt any of the other notices on the bulletin board mention you. So why are you interrupting my studying for this?"

"It says it's the Marauder Fan Club! They love Padfoot and Prongs, and even Moony, but how can it be the Marauder Fan Club if they don't include me?"

"Peter, I'm sorry to break it to you, but most of the first and second years don't even know you exist, much less that you're a marauder. Some of the upperclassmen have forgotten you're a marauder—and I'm not completely sure that's by accident. I'm really not surprised you're not on there, and you shouldn't be either. Now, can I get back to Transfiguration?"

"See, that's exactly my problem!"

"That I'm trying to read chapter seven?"

"No! That no one knows who I am! It's a complete travesty!"

"Um… I have more important things to worry about. Like passing my NEWTs. Is there a point to this spiel?"

"Well, I wanted a favor."

"Then I have a few questions for you."

"Then I've got a few answers for you."

"Shut up. I'm talking right now. Question A: does this favor actually require me to try? Question B: does this favor require me to stop studying? Question C: do I have to kiss you, or pretend to kiss you, or even like you in any way, shape or form? And question D: why the fuck are you asking me? Don't you have friends?"

"Answer A: yes. Answer B: depends. Answer C: no. But it would help if you pretended not to hate my guts. Answer D: because the guys would laugh at me, and I need someone on the inside. And you're the only member of the Marauders Fan Club who doesn't scare me."

"Okay, reply-to-answer A—actually, no. Fuck that. First of all, I am not in the Marauders Fan Club. I simply went to a couple of meetings in fourth year. I was stupid in fourth year, and had not yet realized how much of a douchebag Black is. Second of all, I don't intimidate you? What is wrong with you? I spent years building up my image, and now you aren't scared of me? That's fantastic. Note the sarcasm in my voice. Anyway, what's this so-called favor?"

"I need you to help me start the Peter Pettigrew Fan Club."

There was a pause.

"You're kidding, right?"

"Why would I be kidding?"

"Come on. You? With a fan club? That's like Lily saying yes to James. Not possible—no matter how hard you try."

Peter's eyes widened, and with tears beginning to pool in the corners of his eyes, he looked up desperately at Marlene, the lighting gleaming off his big watery eyes.

"You know what? Fine. Fine, I'll do it. But you have to promise me you will never make that face again. Okay?" Marlene sighed, offering her hand to shake on the deal.

Peter's eyes widened even more—something Marlene didn't think possible. It was like pale mushy blue things bulging out of his eye sockets. She'd definitely have to work on that.

"Thankyouthankyouthankyou THANK YOU!" Peter exclaimed, taking Marlene's outstretched hand with both hands, before he decided on a nice, tight, breath-defying hug.

"Okay… can't… breathe…. Peter… you… can… let… go… now…"

"Whoa… someone's having fun here. Quite sure you want Peter to let go, Marlene?"

"Fuck off, Black," retorted Marlene, who had burst out of Peter's embrace, and was now returning to her normal color, from the vivid violet she had been a few seconds ago.

"Fuck you? Oh, no thanks, McKinnon. I don't sleep with my best friend's girlfriends."

"But he sleeps with everyone else," Remus Lupin said dryly from behind Sirius. "And are you sure about that, Black? Didn't you sleep with Mary?"

Sirius sighed, slapped Remus around the forehead several times, and threw the copy of Jane Eyre from Remus' hands to the floor for good measure. "Dude… that totally doesn't count. I banged Mary a week and a half ago. You weren't dating Mary a week and a half ago."

"A week and a half ago? I thought it was fifth year!" Remus sputtered.

"Muh-moony… my man…. There are a limited number of girls in this school, especially since female Slytherins aren't really females. Even if I were banging first years, I'd have to go back for seconds some time. And you should be happy. Mary's good enough that I've been back for fourths."

"…fourths?"

Down went Remus to join Jane Eyre.

"Not again…" Sirius moaned. "Now I have to deal with a moping James and a dead Remus. Bugger it all. Ugh…Peter, you go take James and help him bury Remus somewhere."

Peter nodded, shook Marlene's hand one last time, and poked the depressed James Potter until he picked up Remus, and the two marched off.

"What's James moping about?"

"Oh, the usual. Lily said no. What else?"

"Doesn't he usually bounce back faster than this?"

Sirius laughed nervously. "Er… we may or may not have made him swear this would be the last time he'd ask out Lily."

"How'd you get him to agree to that?"

"Hey!" Sirius said, looking offended. "We're the marauders. We always have our ways."

"You told him he'd have to kiss Snape, huh?"

Sirius rolled his eyes. "You're not supposed to say that. It seriously detracts from the magic of it."

"Yeah, totally," Marlene sighed, twirling a strand of hair in her finger. "God forbid we detract from the magic, since, you know, magic's so special and all. I mean, we're not in the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry or anything."

Sirius pouted. "Fine. If you're not going to give me the love I need, then I'm going. Remus may be dead, but I bet he'll be kinder than you are."

"Ouch. That's cold, Black."

Black said nothing, but sort of harrumphed, turned his back on Marlene, and headed away from the table.

"I'll just go cry to myself in the corner, yeah?" Marlene called to Sirius.

"You? Cry?" Sirius scoffed. "You'd need a heart to do that." He turned around and stuck out his tongue at Marlene, who stuck hers back, and continued doing so until he had reached the section on experimental Arithmancy (you think a subject is as boring as it could be—and then you are proved very wrong) where he promptly fell over a chair.

And a shy-looking brunette.

"Merlin! Sorry 'bout that," Sirius said, as he hastened to pick up the brunette and set her back on her feet. "I was distracted by McKinnon's bitchiness."

"Black, this is the library. I can hear everything you're saying," Marlene said, not looking up from her Transfiguration textbook, not quite a meter away.

Sirius turned back to the girl. "Not that that's a good excuse. I suppose you'll just have to live with my eternal apologies."

The girl blushed.

"So, if I have to spend the rest of my life paying off this debt, may I ask your name, fair maiden?" Sirius asked—with a bow and her hands to his lip for flourish.

With a slight giggle, she said, "Alice. But if you're in eternal debt to me, then I should prefer you to call me Master. Possibly Mistress—but we shall have to see."

"I like this one!" exclaimed Marlene, from behind Sirius.

"Hear, hear," added Lily Evans, who brushed in next to Sirius, and sat down next to Marlene. "This definitely beats Herbology homework."

"Unfortunately, I cannot stay, for I must go help bury Remus," Sirius sighed, kissed Alice's hand, and loftily waved to Lily and Marlene before exiting past Frank, who was slinking in behind Lily.

Lily exchanged an enigmatic glance (or what she hoped was an enigmatic glance) with Marlene, as Alice gave a dizzy little smile and left to go find a friend, but not before pushing Frank to the ground.

"Oh! Sorry! I guess I'm sort of out of it today," Alice quickly apologized as she pulled Frank to his feet and stumbled off.

As Frank collapsed across from Lily and Marlene, the latter found that she had forgotten to fetch _Transfigurating Things You'll Never Need and More_. Marlene wearily pushed herself to her feet. "I'll have to beat you up later," was her farewell as she began her odyssey. (The only thing more confusing than the Dewey Decimal system is the wizard version; wizards were never ones for organization, as the liberal amounts of frog spawn found in various places of the castle suggested).

Frank hastened to assure her that they would not miss her. "In fact, while you're gone, I'm going to usurp your place!"

Marlene snorted. "_Usurp?_ Nerd."

"You say that now, but wait till you come back!" Frank threatened, a smile threatening to ruin his poker face. "Lily and I will be painting each others' nails and talking about the latest Potter incident!"

"You mean the one where he got Peeves to follow Snape around and copy his every movement? Because that one was kind of funny. Snape had it coming."

"No," Frank shook his head, eyes alight with mischief. "The one that just took place five minutes ago. The one where he asked out Lily again."

Marlene's eyebrows shot up to her hairline. "But he hasn't asked her out since last year. It's been months!"

"Ten months, to be precise."

"Merlin, Frank. You are a nerd."

It was at that point, that the pair noticed Lily. To be more precise, they noticed the color of Lily's nose. No one was quite sure why—bets had been placed on both her red hair and pale complexion and on a spell gone awry years ago—but whenever Lily Evans got upset, her nose began to redden. Usually—whenever Marlene ripped Lily's shirts or Frank teased her about her strange fetish for ballpoint pens or she got an A on a paper—her nose only tinted a light pink, noticeable only to the trained eye. But whenever James Potter entered the scene, the faint pink became the deep red Marlene had affectionately dubbed "super red" that left Lily resembling a stop sign, or, as Sirius often snickered to the other marauders, the devil.

At this point, Lily's nose was in between poppy red and red wine red.

"I feel a rant coming on," Marlene whispered to Frank.

"Well, you know how Lily gets around him," Frank whispered back.

Lily scowled. "I can hear you, you know. And it's called allergies. I'm allergic…to Potter."

"Yeah, Lily, I'm not so sure you can be allergic to a human."

"Oh, when that human is James Fucking Potter it is more than possible. I swear, I get pissed off just being in his vicinity. He just—ugh—he just needs to get a life. Why can't he get it through to his tiny little brain that I will never say yes?"

"That still doesn't sound like allergies," Frank muttered to no one in particular.

"You know what Lily? Methinks the lady doth protest too much," Marlene crowed in victory.

"Do you even know what that means?" Frank looked dubiously at Marlene.

"_Frank_. You're ruining our argument." Marlene glared at Frank.

"I agree with Frank," Lily added, earning Frank another glare. "Do you know what that means?"

"I know enough."

"Prove it."

"It means that you are clearly hiding something."

"What?"

"You and James are _secret looooovers_."

"In your dreams."

"You just say that—but you're really thinking about when you and James can meet up in the Astronomy tower—no that's Sirius' spot—a broom closet, and shag each others' brains out."

"Yeah!" added Frank. "Trust me. I live with him. He likes you. You could _get it on_."

"Yay me," Lily grunted unenthusiastically.

"Oh! Oh! Freudian slip!" cried Frank. "_Freudian slip! _You enjoyed him asking you out again! You do want him! In a broom closet, tied up so you can do what you want with him! Oh! Oh! Lily lurves Potter! Lily lurves Potter! Lily _lurves_ Potter!"

_Smack._

Frank did not get up.

Lily glared at the body slumped on the floor. "Serves him right."

Marlene rolled her eyes. "You totally hit him wrong. I mean, come on, you got the edge of the head. The only reason he's out cold is because he's a weakling. I really am the only one in this group who knows how to hit people. Must I demonstrate?"

"_No._"

"Alright. So, what's the big deal? James likes you? What matters about that? If you like him, shag him, and if you don't like him, don't shag him. It's just that simple. Grow a pair and get on with it. I mean, what sort of pussy is afraid of James Potter?"

"Hey! That's"—

"Completely true. Ah… remember the days when Potter didn't scare the crap out of you?"

"Look… he just… I mean, he's Head Boy, and I don't want to spend more time than necessary with him… Just—just believe me."

"Fine. Whatever. Can I go get my book now?"

"And it was really weird. He only asked me out once. I mean, you know how he usually persists for a bit before leaving me alone? This time, he came up, popped the question, and then wandered off. He was kind of quiet…"

"Maybe 'cause you rejected him?" Marlene offered.

"Merlin, no way. You're funny, Marlene. I bet he was just PMSing."

"Since guys do that all the time."

"You know what I mean! Potter's so used to his adoring fan club loving him, that if I don't, then it's the end of the world! His ego's big enough without a fan club on the side. I mean, Agrippa, those girls need to wake up and see the light—that they live pointless lives and they need to go idolize a guy who loves them back and is way hotter."

Marlene looked up, as it hit her.

Wait, that was just the encyclopedia Peeves had dropped on her.

And then, it hit her again.

After realizing there was nothing to flinch about, Marlene realized that she had the perfect plan.

She leapt up from her seat (and, unfortunately for Frank, onto Frank) and ran off dramatically to the horizon to start the plot of this story without a word.

Unless you count Frank's groan (which almost sounded like a suspicious mixture between fuck and "Holy Agrippa! That hurt like I was being used as a xylophone while someone performed the Cruciatus curse on me while my innocence was being taken by a biker named Lard!") as a word.


	2. Phase 2 The Training

**PHASE 2—The Training**

"The first step to achieving complete man-babedom is the body. Whatever your mommy may say, there is no way a fat little blubber thing is sexy. And when it comes to fan clubs, sexy is what it's all about."

Peter nodded, scribbling on a piece of parchment.

"Now, within that, we have two subcategories. First, is being built. You don't need to have muscles bigger than the girl's head or anything; not all girls are into that sort of stuff. Personally, if I date a man with smaller muscles than me, I think of it as insurance against domestic violence."

"So, does that mean I don't need to have muscles?" Peter asked.

Marlene laughed. "No. That means I'm in a minority. You need some muscles. But first you got to lose a lot of weight."

Peter sighed, and threw away the doughnut he was munching on, before returning to his parchment.

"The next part is much harder to pull off—height. No girl wants to have to bend down to kiss her guy. So, we'll probably have to target the shorter side of the fan clubs. And just as important is what goes _on_ the body. What you wear is essential."

"Um… I wear the school uniform."

"And…?"

"It's the same as everyone else."

"Are you doubting me, Pettigrew?"

"…no."

"After the body, we have the"—

"Brains?"

"No. You're stupid. We have the hair. Possibly the most important appendage of all. Male hair needs to be soft and luscious, something a girl can imagine running her hands through while snogging you. Some girls like it short and curly, some like overly styled, hair-gelled, some like Mohawks. I think the thick and flippy hair would work best on you."

More scribbling on the parchment.

"Next, we have the face. Not as important as the hair, but no one wants to date the king of acne. And last, but not least, is personality."

"Like Gobstones Club?"

"Exactly."

"Sweet. I always knew that was my best attribute."

"No. 'Exactly' as in, you are, as of now, ending all connections with the Gobstones Club, because that is exactly the type of personality you _don't _want."

"Oh." And once again, Peter's quill was on the parchment.

Marlene groaned. There was much work ahead of her.

"And no notes, for Merlin's sake."

_Phase 2 Phase 2 Phase 2 Phase 2 Phase 2_

"Sweet Merlin… Remus needs to lay off on the chocolate," Peter groaned, dragging the unconscious Remus along the crowded library bookshelves. "Couldn't you try helping, Prongs?"

James grunted at Peter—some sort of Neanderthal language he was reverting to, Peter decided—and returned to looking up at the ceiling, sighing, and thinking of Lily.

"Dude, Prongs. Get over it. Lily's just one fish in the pond. A very big pond. If it's the red hair you're into, get a Weasley or something. Or date a muggle."

"Shut up Wormtail. You wouldn't understand. What do you know about girls? You've never dated anyone."

Peter rolled his eyes. "Exactly. I know everything there is to know about rejection. I know more than you think. No one wants to go out with a guy like me."

James bit his lip. "Look, Peter, I'm sorry. It slipped out. But it's Lily. Don't you ever just _know_ something? Ever since fourth year, I've _known_ she's the one. Should I go back on that?"

"James, you've given her three years. If she wanted a little bit to be with you, wouldn't she have said something by now?"

"I just… Why won't she say yes?"

"Prongs, you've agreed to the bet—do you want to kiss Snape? Can't you just get over her?"

James sighed. "I"—

"_Yeah, Lily, I'm not so sure you can be allergic to a human._"

James and Peter jumped, letting go of Remus, at the sound of the voice, which must have been coming from the other side of the bookshelf.

"_Oh, when that human is James Fucking Potter it is more than possible. I swear, I get pissed off just being in his vicinity. He just—ugh—he just needs to get a life. Why can't he get it through to his tiny little brain that I will never say yes?_"

Peter raised an eyebrow at James, who just grunted once again in his cave-man tongue, and hoisted Remus onto his shoulder to be buried.

_Phase 2 Phase 2 Phase 2 Phase 2 Phase 2_

"Faster! Run faster, fatty!"

"Please… Marlene… I… I think… I'm dying…" Peter panted as he sprinted through the hallways.

"No! We have limited time to work with! Only the rest of seventh year. If we slowed down the pace, you wouldn't even get near our goal for you by the end of the year."

"Do you…have to…be…on my back?"

"Of course I do! We're working your core strength and burning calories at the same time. See, you burn more calories than you take in. Which is why you can't eat for the rest of the week."

"Couldn't… you just…try human…transfiguration? It'd help…you study…"

"Oh. I suppose that might work…" Marlene said slowly, dismounting a fainting Peter Pettigrew.

_Phase 2 Phase 2 Phase 2 Phase 2 Phase 2_

"And I had to dig my way out. Hippogriffs, you faint once and they bury you," Remus whined, meticulously turning another page of Jane Eyre.

Mary gave him a small smile. "Unfortunate…but hey, you were still on time for our date."

Remus gave her a serious look. "I would never be late to a study session."

"Ha… the girls from your fan club weren't kidding, were they?" Mary teased, looking admiringly at her new boyfriend. Her old ones were all toescum. They didn't care about her at all, so, naturally, she had joined the Remus Lupin Fan Club, because Remus had always seemed like the nicest of the marauders. And so Mary had started dreaming of study dates—reading and eating chocolate—and couldn't have been more ecstatic when Remus had asked her out. He was so much less cocky than Sirius. "Are you ever late for a study date?"

"Shh… I'm at the part where Jane saves Mr. Rochester from the fire."

Mary looked at Remus, who was entranced in the book, his eyes roving the pages at lightning speed. She shrugged, and returned to her Potions book—that was what happened when you date a nerd, she supposed. But there was only so long one could content oneself with a confusing potions book.

"Remus, what's the difference in effect between slicing and crushing the runespoor egg?"

"What?" Remus looked up, confused. "I don't think there are eggs in Jane Eyre."

"Never mind. It was potions stuff."

"Oh." And Remus turned back to his battered copy of the classic (and kind of boring) Bronte tale.

But not for long.

"So… call it a stupid question, but what do you smell in Slughorn's Amortentia?"

Remus looked a little annoyed, but sighed, and set himself to the question. "Er… this book—I know all my books by smell, you see. And a bit of chocolate."

"Oh."

Mary turned back to her Potions book, which suddenly seemed much more entertaining.

_Phase 2 Phase 2 Phase 2 Phase 2 Phase 2_

"Why am I wearing heels?"

"They're not heels, Peter. They're just shoes with a platform underneath the heel, to boost your height a little."

"I'm pretty sure that's what heels are."

"They look nothing like heels. The platform is thick, and barely noticeable. But hey, call them heels if it makes you happy."

"Are you sure this will impress girls?"

"Peter, your height is one of your weakest assets."

"And now the fact that I'm wearing heels is an even weaker asset. What will the girls think about that?"

"If everything goes to plan, the girls won't be looking at your shoes, but your eyes, and your hair, and hopefully your new-found muscles. The only reason they'll be looking at your shoes is to see how big your feet are. Because you know what they say about big feet."

"That people with big feet wear big shoes?"

"…. You've got much to learn, my young padowan."

_Phase 2 Phase 2 Phase 2 Phase 2 Phase 2_

"Hey!" Alice exclaimed at the sight of Sirius. He was looking even more dashing than ever, she decided, running to catch up with him.

"Oh," Sirius blinked his eyes, like waking up from a deep sleep. "Er… Alice, right?"

Alice laughed. "That's Master to you, remember?"

Sirius nodded groggily, his eyes glazing over her hair, immaculately pulled back with a patent leather headband, to her drooping, oversized sweater and loose robes, her longer-than-regulation skirt to her perfectly shined Mary Janes, free from scuffs of any kind.

"Um… Sirius? You okay?"

Alice looked down to those shoes, debating what the silence meant. Finally—

"I'm your master, remember? I could just chop off your head for having the impertinence of not answering me."

The corners of his mouth went a bit crooked. "Well, then I suppose I must answer?"

"I suppose you must," Alice replied, doing her best to hide a giggle.

"I don't feel much like talking today, though, your highness."

"Isn't that too bad? I shall have to get out my whips and chains, and the ever-dreaded comfy chair. And a second thing, it is not 'your highness'. It's Master."

Sirius nodded, and turned to the stairs he quickly hopped down.

"Now, your master would quite like to know what you're doing out on a full moon? Aren't you afraid of the werewolves?"

Sirius turned to her, slowly. "Werewolves? Are you afraid of them?"

"That's it! Your master doesn't like her servants so impertinent. I shall have to flog you with a wet noodle."

Sirius nodded, and quickened his pace.

"But, then again, I think I know exactly what you're doing. You're so loyal to your master that you're killing off all of the werewolves out there—so you can protect me! What a good servant you are! I guess I'll have to promote you to butler some day. Or at least head maid."

Sirius spotted James and Peter near the door to the Great Hall. "Sorry, Ariel—er, Alice, I have to go."

"Oh? So soon?" Alice asked, taken off guard.

"Yeah, those werewolves are calling my name," Sirius said, with a rather dispirited fist pump.

Alice laughed. "If you're that into them, maybe I shall have one visit for your next beating. Inter-species rape, just for you?"

Sirius' face hardened, and the horrified stare was gone as soon as it came. "Look… I really have to go. We can talk about this later, maybe over butterbeer sometime. But not now."

Alice could have sworn her heart stopped right at that moment. Butterbeer? With Sirius Black?

Sirius' brow creased as Alice unconsciously clutched at his arms. How in Merlin's balls was he going to get to the others?

"Next Hogsmeade weekend?" Alice suggested. "At the Three Broomsticks?"

Sirius' neck strained as he saw James and Peter exiting the building, and was only partly paying attention as he shrugged Alice's arm off. "Sure. Sounds like a date."

"Yeah… a date…" Alice sighed, dreamily, looking deeply into Sirius' dark eyes.

He gave her a brief nod, yanked his appendages from her grasp, and scampered over to his fellow marauders, with relief that the ordeal was over.

"Have fun werewolf hunting!" Alice cried across the hall to her new friend.

Sirius cringed, not brave enough to look at his friends—or any of the other spectators for that matter.

_Phase 2 Phase 2 Phase 2 Phase 2 Phase 2_

"I said untuck the bloody shirt!"

"But, McGonagall might see!"

"Merlin, I have to do everything for you, don't I?"

Peter squealed and squirmed as Marlene pulled at his shirt.

"Come on. McGonagall doesn't give detentions for loose shirts."

Peter raised an eyebrow.

"She gives detentions for this."

And Marlene pulled his khakis underneath his bum.

"Argh! Take it back!"

"Don't even bother trying to pull them back up; I'm getting a lot better at Charms."

_Phase 2 Phase 2 Phase 2 Phase 2 Phase 2_

"And you're sure that I can't transfigure Frank into a pile of galleons, Lily?"

Lily nodded furiously. "Gamp's law says—"

"Frank?"

Marlene looked up to find that girl…Alice. The sixth year.

"What are you doing here?" she asked, setting down her bag next to Marlene, and sliding into the accompanying seat.

_Okay_, Marlene thought,_ just barge in on us._ "Studying," Marlene said, sugary-sweet.

"Oh, yeah, that's what I'm here for too," Alice nodded enthusiastically. "It's just a quaint little meeting spot, isn't it? I can't help but find so many friends wherever I go in the library!"

"Friends?" Lily piped up, actually looking up from her book (_Hogwarts; A History_ never fails to entertain some people).

"Oh, yes, after I ran into Frank the other day—sorry again—we're friends now."

"She also tutors remedial Herbology," Frank clarified quietly.

"Other people do that?" Marlene scoffed.

"And once I learned that, I couldn't help but start to love him!" Alice laughed. "I mean, it is so hard to find a fellow Devil's Snare enthusiast these days!"

Frank smiled.

Lily and Marlene blinked.

Alice didn't blink.

But she kept on smiling.

With every one of her teeth showing.

"Oh… don't tell me you don't like Herbology. You have to! It is the best subject!"

"_Potions_," Lily coughed.

"And you have to hear this Herbology joke! It is the funniest thing! Okay… now, what looks like a mandrake, smells like a mandrake, tastes like a mandrake, but has a better name?"

Lily and Marlene blinked again.

Frank smiled.

Alice smiled harder.

"A babydrake!"

Lily wondered whether Alice would notice Lily reading if she read out of the corner of her eye.

Marlene wondered if Gamp would object to her poofing up some popcorn. She was kind of hungry.

Frank wondered if Alice could be more attractive.

Alice smiled.

"Get it? Because mandrakes have babies on the bottom, and I called it a babydrake, because that would be more fitting. You know? Yeah… it's funny because it's true."

Frank looked at Alice lovingly.

Alice wondered if Sirius would appreciate that joke.

Lily gave up all pretenses and turned completely to _Hogwarts; A History_.

Marlene threw up just a little bit in the back of her throat.

_Phase 2 Phase 2 Phase 2 Phase 2 Phase 2_

"Do the flip."

_Swoosh._

"Again."

_Swoosh._

"God, Peter. Your hair is orgasmic. But you're not one of Charlie's Angels. You don't need to put your hand on your hip and pout after flipping your hair."

_Phase 2 Phase 2 Phase 2 Phase 2 Phase 2_

"So, if your dorm room was on fire, and you only had a minute, what would you get?"

"My Mimbulus Mimbletonia. Definitely."

"Really? Me too! Well… maybe after I got my collector's edition sample of Gurdyroot cross-pollinated with Dittany."

"You have that? You have to show me some time."

Lily rolled her eyes, and forced her nose deeper into the soothing and familiar feel of _Hogwarts: A History_, rereading for the millionth time the misfortune of Rowena Ravenclaw and her daughter. Nothing could give her as much comfort as that complete tragedy—it really put her own misfortunes into perspective, you know?

Of course, Marlene seemed to be suffering from Alice and Frank's idle, enthusiastic, and too loud chatter as if her own diadem of pure power and wisdom had been stolen from her by her own flesh and blood. Her breath came out in heavy, frustrated pants, her eyes narrowed with each mention of Abyssinian shrivelfig, her fingers tensed to the point that if you poked them, they'd probably fall off.

Needless to say, there was not much studying going on.

Not that it really had an effect on Lily, who had mastered ignoring other people while reading. It really was the only way to get work done when James Potter was the Head Boy.

It wasn't exactly that he was obnoxiously loud and annoying, but he just always seemed to be talking around her. If he wasn't asking her out, he was blabbering about something or other, from his grandmother to his dream to be a auror, his fear of abandonment to his love of his fellow marauders. It was accelerated small talk, idle chatter gone bad, and almost always unrequited. Lily rarely returned the favor of his greetings.

Maybe she should have once in a while… like that time when he had asked her what she thought of him, honestly. And if Lily didn't do small talk, she definitely didn't do serious talk. Scholarly talk, friendly talk, necessary talk, but serious had always scared her away.

And when James had approached her earlier in the library, and asked her out that last time, he definitely sounded serious. Strangely, contrary to his endless blabber, he had popped the question, and then shut straight up, eyes never straying from hers. (Funny that the only guy who kept his eyes on hers and never below was the only guy she swore to hate). It was rather like an ultimatum. And if it was… would that mean she would be left in peace? No one bothering her, just her and her book.

Lily laughed. Like that would happen. James would ask her out, with out failure for the rest of their school career together, and that would be that. For James to stop asking her out would be like Marlene thinking of someone other than herself, or Frank getting a date. Not going to happen.

And she may have to live with James asking her out constantly, but, once again, _Hogwarts; A History_ saves the day—at least he wouldn't murder her like the Bloody Baron murdered Helena Ravenclaw. And she wouldn't have to see him every single day after, with chains and blood all over him or something.

Though, really—but Lily would never truly admit it—that sounded exciting. Some mysteriously handsome man, after you, and desperately in love with you, and paying the rest of his days pining for you from afar. Aside from the whole murdering bit, it didn't sound too bad. Helena Ravenclaw was the vixen Lily Evans would never be. And maybe, one day, Lily would find her own Bloody Baron (without the blood and chains or murder, of course), who would love her unconditionally, and put her first, and that way she wouldn't have to live vicariously through Helena. Of course, there was no way that was going to happen until a certain James Potter stopped warding off all of her suitors.

Lily sighed at the thought, and propped her chin up on her hand to find a table full of no one other than her, _Hogwarts; A History_, and a piece of paper which read:

_Hey, Lily!_

_You are fantastically oblivious, and you cannot seem to get your head out of that book. Let me guess… the plight of Helena Ravenclaw again? Well, maybe if you paid attention to your alive and human friends you would have known that Alice and Frank went off to tutor some kid or stare at some plant or something. And I have gone to help Pettigrew (again, the whiny brat…), and then, maybe I wouldn't have to write you this note. What a waste of time, writing this note, wasting the paper and the ink…ugh. Anyway, have fun with your friends—you can say hello to the Baron for me._

_-Marlene_

Lily blinked. It was suddenly very quiet—even for a library. Lily looked back down at the page she was on, but the words all jumbled together and she couldn't find where she was—or, more like she didn't want to. She blinked again, and closed the book.

Lily sighed, and turned to her homework. It wasn't the same reading without the background noise.

_Phase 2 Phase 2 Phase 2 Phase 2 Phase 2_

"This, Peter, is called guyliner."

"Guyliner? That looks like eyeliner."

"Yeah, eyeliner for guys. But guyliner sounds cooler."

"What self-respecting guy wears make-up?"

"Many."

"Oh yeah? Name one?"

"Er…. Just do what I say. Do you want me to leave you alone, and fan-clubless?"

"No…but I'm not putting on any lipstick or anything."

"Don't worry. Just the guyliner. It makes your eyes pop—and look much less watery. But you know, girls prefer guys with make-up at an increasing frequency now."

"Pft. I doubt that."

"Yeah, I know it's weird. But you know how girls are about vampires."

"Maybe I should get some fangs?"

"Hm…that just might work…"

_Phase 2 Phase 2 Phase 2 Phase 2 Phase 2_

"Sirius?"

""Uh…er, just a minute!"

"Okay!" Alice cried back, and pulled her watch up to her face.

One minute is long when you think about it, but finally the end came, and Alice pushed through the door, as to not disappoint Sirius when she didn't show up in a minute. He was straightening his shirt when she came in—what a charmer, always trying to look his best for her.

"Er… so, what did you want?" Sirius asked quickly.

"Why are you up here?" Alice pondered aloud, looking around at the dark Astronomy tower.

"I spend a lot of time up here…to, er, read. Yeah. Read. That's what I do. Up here, in the Astronomy tower."

"A bit dark for that, I'd think—but to each his own," Alice yielded. "What are you reading?"

"Reading? Um… well, I love that guy—Wigglestick?"

"Shakespeare?"

"Yeah, him!"

"Which play is your favorite?"

"Play?"

Alice looked at him intently.

"Oh, yes! Play. He wrote like five or something?"

Alice's eyebrows narrowed in confusion.

"Or something like that, anyway… er, my favorite… the funny one, the comedy. Er… what's it called? The comedy of"—

"The Comedy of Errors?"

"Er, I was going to say the comedy of Shakespeare, but I suppose that's fine too."

"What a kidder you are! Don't worry, I love Comedy of Errors too. Who's your favorite character?"

"The main one."

"Again! What a joker. You're too funny," Alice giggled, slapping him on the shoulder. "But, no. Seriously."

"Er…Timothy, no… Luke?" Sirius guessed.

"Luke? Oh… Luce. Some people can't pronounce Italian. It's loo-chey," Alice sighed, but hastily added, as if she had forgotten something, "Now, I don't blame you. I mean, it's not like I can pronounce French or anything!"

Sirius paused. "Oh, look at the time, shouldn't you be going?"

"Oh, yes!" and Alice dashed out.

"Did you just tell her that she should be going?" a voice drawled from the shadows.

Sirius blushed himself and nodded.

"And then she agreed with you and left? Embarrassed much?"

Sirius sighed. "It's Alice. She should always be embarrassed. I mean, she thinks she's so funny and such a great friend, but it hurts me to hang out with her; _I_ am embarrassed for her."

"Ouch."

Sirius nodded earnestly. "And she's been convinced for the past week—ever since I started talking to her—that she's my mistress. Just because I told her that I was forever in her debt for running into her or something. I honestly don't remember, but she won't forget. Merlin, she carries everything too far—like her joke about me hunting down werewolves. I swear, she kills all humor. I've almost lost the will to be a marauder—like if she's too close to me, she'll drain me of my humor forever."

"Drastic…" the voice snickered.

"Don't laugh. You were just as annoyed with Remus—why else would you break up with him?" Sirius taunted, throwing off his recently put-on shirt, and crawling towards Mary MacDonald.

"Yes…break up…" she laughed nervously.

_Phase 2 Phase 2 Phase 2 Phase 2 Phase 2_

"So, when a girl puts her hand on your shoulder like this, what do you do?"

"Run away, screaming?"

"Uh… close. I was going for flirting… So, what do you do when you flirt?"

"Show her the scar I got from attempting to levitate a feather back in first year?"

"Maybe say her eyes remind you of the sky instead. But what happens if her eyes are brown?"

"Say her eyes are like chocolate?"

"Okay, not bad…what if her eyes are green?"

"That she's a Slytherin bastard and should slither back to Voldemort?'

"Alright, fair enough. Slytherins are bastards. Now, once she is wooed, what do you do?'

"Take advantage of her."

"What? No! How dare you?" Marlene sputtered indignantly. "You always wait to take advantage until after the second date!"

"Oops. Sorry."

"No problem. So, say it is after the second date—where is the optimal spot to take advantage of her?"

"A broom closet on the sixth floor—far enough away that we are moderately alone, but not too far away from the common room. Astronomy tower may seem like the best location, but Sirius has permanent dibs on it, so don't go up, unless you feel like kinky foursomes."

Marlene sighed, contentedly. "Fantastic. You know, Peter? I think we're really onto something here."

_Phase 2 Phase 2 Phase 2 Phase 2 Phase 2_

James flopped back onto his bed, wiping the sweat off his face, and closed his eyes. Full moons hadn't been fun in a while. He shifted onto his side, and closed his eyes. He cracked open an eye, pulled off his socks, and curled into a ball, but with a groan, kicked off the bedding and turned onto his chest instead.

Nothing.

James squeezed his eyes shut. It was late already, if he didn't fall asleep soon he'd be operating on less than two hours of sleep the next day—which just happened to hold in store a Heads meeting. And if Lily was usually pissed at him during those meetings, just think how pissed she'd be if he was nodding off during it.

Ah. Lily Evans. The one woman in this world who didn't fawn over James Potter. Instead, she focused continually on hurting James Potter, mentally, emotionally, and physically. No wonder she was allergic to him, like she had said herself not a week ago.

Maybe it was impossible for her to be allergic to a human being, but James couldn't help imagining hugging a cat that he kept sneezing on. Sure, he could continue asking her out, but she'd just keep sending those verbal sneezes his way. What was the point of having a cat if you were allergic to it?

James sighed once more. Thinking about it was futile; nothing could change what would inevitably happen. He punched his pillow and fell back into his bed.

But before James could close his eyes and fall into a dead man's sleep, the door creaked open, and slammed closed, causing James to sit straight up. Peter was on one of many recent runs, Remus was in the hospital wing, and Frank had somehow managed to stay asleep through the obnoxiousness of the door.

Which left only Sirius.

"Where were you?"

Sirius snorted, throwing his shoes onto Remus' bed. "What are you? My wife?"

There was a collective shudder.

"No, really, why were you out so late?"

"Astronomy tower. Still want to know?"

James shook his head, lips pursed from the unrequited mental images of Sirius and the astronomy tower.

"And why are you still up?"

"Apart from you being way too noisy when entering rooms?"

"Yeah, yeah… just tell me, Prongs."

"I was thinking."

Sirius scoffed. "Thinking. What a waste of time."

James rolled his eyes in return. "About Lily."

"Oh yeah? What is there to think about Lily?"

"She's allergic to me."

"_What?_"

"Oh, er… forget that. What I mean is, well, I'm giving her up. It's pointless and painful asking her out and all, so I'm giving up."

Sirius nodded as he stripped down to his boxers and slid into bed. "Yeah… that's good for you. But, mate, I thought we already established that you weren't going to ask her out anymore."

James laughed. "And when do I listen to you?"

"Uh, maybe when we tell you you'll have to kiss Snape?"

"Oh…right… forgot about that. But, yeah, anyway, the point is, I am over Lily Evans. I am quitting, cold turkey."

"Finally," Sirius muttered, turning away from James with a yawn.

"Shut up," James muttered back, turning away from Sirius himself.

_Phase 2 Phase 2 Phase 2 Phase 2 Phase 2_

"Peter, I think we're done."

"I'm ready?"

"More than that—you're gorgeous."

"You really think so?"

"Yes," Marlene sniffed. "You go out there, you woo some girls, you make some friends, you shag some girls, you make some fans, and you take advantage of some girls."

"Hey Marlene?"

"Yeah?"

"Would you mind taking your hand off my arse?"


	3. Phase 3 The Takeover

**PHASE 3—The Takeover**

"Hear ye, hear ye!" Marlene called out, pushing through crowds of mostly prepubescent girls, pulling the new and improved Peter Pettigrew by the wrist.

"_Marlene_," her victim hissed. "Are you sure you know what you're doing?"

"Yes," she scoffed. "Of course I do. Who do you think I am?"

"Well, what are you doing?" Peter said, looking around nervously at all the members of the opposite gender.

"We're hitting the pre-marauder fan club rush. Everyone wants to get there early—get the best seats. And these are your potential clients. The only people crazy enough in this school to idolize you—or anyone for that matter."

Peter sighed reluctantly, as Marlene continued to exclaim, "Hear ye, hear ye!"

Finally, a girl with giant bejeweled glasses approached Marlene, looking significantly exasperated. "What do you want McKinnon? I thought you dumped Black ages ago."

Marlene's jaw set. "I didn't dump him. How could I dump him if we never dated?"

Rita Skeeter snorted. "I don't know why you would denying shagging someone as delectable as Sirius Black."

"He's a douchehag, toerag, and an overall scumbag."

"Yes, but a sexy scumbag."

Marlene sighed. "Anyway. What I was here for. Since you guys are never getting boyfriends, I thought I might introduce you to someone a little closer to your league. No offense, Pettigrew."

"Offense taken," Peter muttered.

"Pettigrew?" Skeeter said, taking two steps back, and looking absolutely horrified. "Oh, ew! The Gobstones club captain? Ugh! Where is he?"

A few of the other upperclassmen scurried to get on all the nearby chairs, while the underclassmen looked around, confused and wondering if there was a rat on the loose.

"Right here," Marlene said, lifting up Peter's wrist, and pushing him into the center of the fangirl chaos.

After a second, and looking Peter up and down several time, Skeeter raised an eyebrow and addressed Marlene. "Haha. Real funny. I have to say, that is the worst Pettigrew look-a-like I have ever seen."

"He's not a look-a-like, Skeeter. He's the real thing."

Skeeter's eyes widened to the point that planes could land on them with ease. "You're joking."

"Nope."

Skeeter gave Peter a cursory glance. "That's just scary, then."

Marlene rolled her eyes. "Not as scary as the fact that you know Peter's captain of the Gobstones club."

_Phase 3 Phase 3 Phase 3 Phase 3 Phase 3_

"Why did the gillyweed cross the road?"

"To get to the other side. Duh."

"No! Hah-hah! It was a trick question! Gillyweed can't cross a road, it's a plant!"

Frank snorted. "That was an awful joke, Alice."

Alice pouted in return. "I hate you."

"Face it," Frank sighed. "You're just horrible at telling jokes."

"Oh yeah, well, maybe I won't tutor the remedial second years with you anymore then," Alice retorted.

"Oh no! Not the second years! All alone? Whatever would I do?" Frank cried dramatically. "Maybe what I did all the time before I met you?"

Alice frowned. "Well, I didn't want to, but I guess you're forcing me to."

"To what?"

"Dumbledore once had a bad day. Just to see what it felt like."

Frank blinked. "Not the Dumbledore jokes! My weakness! You've found me out!"

(As it turns out, they really were his weakness).

Alice smirked. "I told you. It's your fault for insulting my joke-telling abilities. As you can see, they really are spot on. Like, Dumbledore can drown a mermaid."

"Well, Dumbledore's tears are more potent than phoenix tears. Too bad he's never cried," Frank grinned.

"Dumbledore can see things in a crystal ball."

Frank snickered. "You call _that_ good?"

"I dare you to find something better. Or to see something in a crystal ball."

"Let me see..." Frank thought aloud. "Easy. Dumbledore can show up _late_ to McGonagall's class. And he gets away with it."

Alice gaped. "Damn."

Frank shrugged modestly. "I suppose I just have the talent. Some people have it, and some don't," he said pointedly.

"I have it!" Alice protested. "Dumbledore got full marks on the Auror entrance exam—by writing his name for every answer."

"Ooh. That _was_ good," Frank conceded. "Maybe you aren't Troll with joke telling, but your performance is still Poor."

"Well, when I'm an Auror, I'll remember to come back and kick your arse."

"You want to be an Auror?" Frank asked, completely ignoring the second, more violent part of the statement.

"Er, yeah," Alice shrugged. "My parents are Aurors. I've wanted to be one since I was a kid."

"Me too," Frank said, stunned.

"And especially," Alice continued, "with You-Know-Who out there. I mean, I just don't get his views about muggles. I'm in muggle studies and all, and for people without magic, they're doing just as well as we are, quite honestly. And muggleborns? Some of the best wizards are muggleborns. Your friend Lily, she's Head Girl and the top of our year, and she's a muggleborn. I'm a pedigreed Pureblood, and I couldn't touch her. It'd be a total loss for our society to not have muggleborns, and to not have muggles? Well, personally, I think the Ministry would be rather pointless then. You know all they do is keep us secret from the muggles."

Frank stared.

Alice blushed.

"Sorry for the rant. I…I just feel strongly about it…"

Frank never in his life wanted to be more like Marlene's "snog-friends"—able to push Alice up against the wall and snog the living daylights out of her.

_Phase 3 Phase 3 Phase 3 Phase 3 Phase 3_

"You really don't like Rita Skeeter, huh?" Peter asked Marlene as they escaped from the hordes of girls rushing into the Potions room to start the weekly meeting of the James Potter Fan Club.

"She's a whiney, needy, little bitch," Marlene replied, without even a split second hesitation.

"And you feel strongly about that?" Peter joked, garnering a sharp elbow in the ribs from Marlene.

"I hate you."

"You hate everybody, Marlene."

"You know what Peter?" Marlene said threateningly to Peter, pushing her sleeves up to her elbows.

"I didn't say that!" Peter said hastily, putting his hands up in between the two of them, to protect himself. Of course, it ended up just looking like he was about to grope Marlene, which, in the end, didn't make Marlene happier.

"Oh, am I supposed to believe that now the portraits can talk and one of them said that? Huh?"

"No, but you are supposed to believe I said it."

This time, Marlene turned and saw the speaker. "Mary! You bitch!" And subsequently ran to hug her roommate.

"I'm the bitch? You're the one who made Skeeter cry after ratting her out for her despotic ways."

Marlene laughed. "Oh yeah. Good times…good times. You're still in the fan club?"

Mary smiled sheepishly. "Yeah. I know it's awful, and all that. But it's full of idiot girls who tape pictures of Sirius onto their pillows so they can make out with him every night—and I dare you to find better Tuesday night entertainment—and pictures of sexy guys. It's good for the estrogen, you kow?"

Marlene nodded. "Yeah... Lily and Frank don't really provide much estrogen. Quite honestly, I get more of an estrogen fix out of Peter these days."

"Peter?"

"Oh!" Marlene said. "Where are my manners? Shut up, I _can_ have manners, you know. Peter, this is Mary MacDonald, an old friend, and, Mary, this is Peter Pettigrew. I am helping him get a fan club."

Mary blinked. "A fan club? That's…ambitious. Why?"

Peter blinked back. "Er…everyone else has one?"

Mary smiled. "Well, if you ever get your club, I'll join. I don't know you very well, but you seem worthy of all that adulation."

"Oh…er…thanks…" Peter said, inept at thinking at the moment.

"And I better get to the dungeons before Rita rips my hair out for being late," Mary grimaced, rushing off with a final wave to Marlene and her prodigy.

_Phase 3 Phase 3 Phase 3 Phase 3 Phase 3_

Lily Evans was bored.

Decidedly bored.

Her friends had abandoned her, and it was one of those moments where she just wasn't in the _mood_ to read. Yes, Lily Evans was not horny for reading.

Which was rather sad, really. Because when you're in a library, there's nothing else to do.

And I know you all are sitting there, saying, why can't she just get up and leave the library then?

Well, it's called laziness, and Lily Evans was suffering from an acute case of it.

Where were we? Oh yes.

Lily Evans was bored.

What could one do in the library?

She could read—but it has already been established that she wasn't horny for reading.

She could sleep—but libraries weren't the best place to wake up pain-free.

She could do homework—but being Lily Evans, it was already finished.

She could whisper and gossip with friends—but wait, her friends _abandoned her._

And it wasn't her fault for ignoring them in the first place.

Not at all.

Which left one thing to do in the library.

Snog in the most remote, darkest corners of the library with your significant other, or a random cute guy you picked up out of nowhere.

Too bad Lily couldn't. Libraries were not the ideal location to find cute, snoggable boys who weren't already engaged in this particular profession with another desperately bored female.

You may ask, why couldn't Lily snog her significant other?

I say, you are missing a gaping hole, because Lily does not have a significant other, which is a rather important fact, since it contributes greatly to the plot of the whole story, and, more precisely, this scene I am writing right here, in which Lily realizes that she is alone in a world full of happy couples. Onward with the scene in which Lily realizes that she it alone in a world full of happy couples.

Right now, actually, Lily could see Benjy Fenwick and Emmeline Vance going at it, looking like they were trying to eat each other's faces off.

Lily bet that Frank was probably trying to do that to Alice right about now. And Marlene had probably done it to at least two guys in the twenty minutes since she left.

Argh. Lily looked away. It had been awhile since she had been snogged. And even then, that was only Potter accosting her in an attempt to get her to go out with him. Or whatever. Before that, the last time had been Davy Gudgeon in the beginning of fifth year.

It was a long drought of snogging—especially to someone who has to listen her mate detail all of her frequent snogs and shags and whatnot.

Lily sighed, and realized that she was alone in a world full of happy couples.

_Phase 3 Phase 3 Phase 3 Phase 3 Phase 3_

"Hi…are you Peter Pettigrew?" asked a girl, sidling up to the man in question.

"Er…yeah?"

The girl blushed, and her friend spoke up. "We were wondering if you knew James and Sirius."

Peter frowned. "Of course I do. They're my best friends."

"Then why haven't we heard of you?"

"Er…"

"Yeah," the girl said. "He's just as cute as they are. I mean, what, were you afraid of girls?"

Peter blushed himself. "I…"

"And he's actually talking to us," the friend agreed. "I mean, every time I approach Sirius, he runs away."

"Maybe because you're shouting at him that you want to have his babies?" Peter offered meekly.

The friend scoffed. "It's true, though. Our babies would be beautiful."

The girl rolled her eyes. "Well, we'll see you around. But, thanks, Peter. Someone needed to set her straight. Sirius is going to have _my _babies."

_Phase 3 Phase 3 Phase 3 Phase 3 Phase 3_

Mary rushed up the stairs, barely grasping the handrails as she dashed up the tightly coiled stairs, and throwing open the door when she reached the top.

"Sirius," she panted.

"Hello, Mary," he drawled in return. "How was your date?"

Mary winced, remembering the awful trip to the kitchens with Remus, in which he read passages aloud from Jane Eyre, pointing out all the reasons for which he loved Jane.

"Insipid," she whined. "I don't want to talk about it."

Sirius snorted. "How awful can this guy be? I swear, if I hadn't known already that you'd dumped Remus, I'd say you were still dating him."

Mary gulped, but quelled her guilt by entangling her hands in Sirius' luscious hair, sucking on his lip, and other naughty things.

Sirius smiled back into her mouth, moving his own down onto her neck, and reaching his hands up her shirt, but decided in the end to just remove it, as his hand softly caressed her side, raising the hairs on her back and leaving a slight tingling feeling, before travelling south to find itself under the hem of her skirt.

Mary returned the favor, going a bit further by taking off his pants as well, and finally showed Sirius mercy by telling him that some things clasp in the back, as his mouth began moving its way downwards, and Mary tensed at the warm feeling left in the pit of her stomach as Sirius paused to suckle her neck.

Sirius smirked, and with the removal of the pesky device, his lips came crashing down—

And now the author feels very dirty and perverted writing this. In fact, she's going to do what she usually does, being a puritanical prude like herself and censoring the scene (and mentioning that if you were getting too into this, remember, the internet is for porn).

Er…yeah.

Mary sighed. Sirius was always the best relief after a date with Remus. But as he detached himself from her, and she had to take her head off his chest, Mary rued the fact that the sex god would never settle down and _date _someone.

Not that she'd really fancy dating Sirius. From her shags with Sirius, she could only imagine a date with him—his telling perverted jokes and staring at all the hot birds in the vicinity.

Mary grudgingly sat up, removed Sirius' hand from her nether regions, retrieved her clothes, and carefully put them back on (no Gryffindor wants to end up like Dorcas Meadowes: walking into class with her shirt misbuttoned, skirt on backwards, and her boyfriend's Ravenclaw tie).

The marauders were just…ugh. Only in it for the sex, totally ignorant, or reserved for Lily Evans. But then there was Peter.

But who knew what Peter was? He wasn't the most acknowledged marauder. When Mary had spoken to him he seemed nice… and she couldn't help but wonder what he was like in the sack.

Mary groaned, picked up her bag, and headed for class.

_Phase 3 Phase 3 Phase 3 Phase 3 Phase 3_

"Peter!"

Peter grimaced. "Sorry for running into you."

"It's fine," Mary smirked. "I guess Marlene hasn't trained _everything_ out of you."

Peter blushed. "You going to History of Magic too?"

Mary nodded and pointing to her bag added, "Got my pillow and everything. Let the napping commence."

Peter snorted. "Here I'll carry your bag for you."

Mary raised an eyebrow. "It's not heavy or anything. It's just a pillow in a canvas bag."

"Just let me take it for you."

And when Mary raised her eyebrows even farther, Peter rolled his eyes and simply snatched the bag away from her, shoving it atop his own (heavier) bag.

"I didn't know Marlene taught you chivalry," Mary pondered aloud. "I mean, seeing the guys she goes for are the ones who shove her against the wall without a word, snog her, and then never talk to her again..."

"Really?" Peter smiled. "No wonder she was going on about the snog-and-run. Yeah…Marlene didn't teach me chivalry."

"Then who did?"

Peter rolled his eyes. "Are you saying that I can't be chivalrous on my own?"

"Well…er…I suppose not, then…hehe…sorry Peter."

"A guy can't be nice to a girl without her being suspicious, huh?" Peter muttered.

"So, do you do this for all the potential fan girls?"

"Heck no. Marlene said if I did anything more than say hello to them, they'd go crazy and we'd have the Armageddon on our hands."

"So I'm not a fan girl, then? Didn't I tell you I'd join your club?"

"Ah," Peter smiled. "Friends are fans. Here's your bag."

Mary smiled back at him, entered the History of Magic classroom, and prepared for a nice, long nap.

_Phase 3 Phase 3 Phase 3 Phase 3 Phase 3_

"So, there I was, my hand stuck down it's stump, and the plant goes and shoots its pus at me!"

Frank chuckled. "One fiery buboter plant—is it related to Lily?"

"I severely hope not—for the plant's sake, anyway," Alice replied. "But anyway, one hand is stuck in the stump, the other is shielding my eyes from the massive amounts of pus, and where is my partner? Oh, yeah, Dorcas is sitting on the complete other end of the table, filing her nails. I don't even think she realized that I was there. I mean, how did this girl get into NEWTs?"

"Then how did you tickle the stump?"

Alice stopped and stared at him. "I was just going to say that I had to take off my shoe—without using my hands—and tickle the stump with my toes. You totally just ruined the dramatic effect."

Frank shrugged.

"But, even more, how did you know that? I mean…I thought I was the only person who had realized it. Professor Sprout never mentioned it in class, it's not in the books, it's just"—

"Obvious to anyone who's ever seen a buboter plant," Frank finished with her. "You can just tell that, on the inside, buboter plants are total jokers. Merlin, all they do is trap your hand in their stump, shoot pus at you. They just want a little tickling."

"I _know!_" Alice exclaimed. "I swear, I can't believe people don't realize this! Well…I can believe Dorcas doesn't realize this, but like, really? Are we the only people who know this?"

"I bet Dumbledore knows it."

"Yeah, but Dumbledore could get an O on the Herbology NEWT without ever taking any Herbology classes in the first place."

The two broke out simultaneously into laughter.

As the first to regain her composure (though it took a few battles with giggling fits), Alice smiled at Frank, and said, "Frank, I'm really glad that I've met you. It's like I can be myself around you, you know?"

"I"—

"Oh, darn it!" Alice winced, as she looked at her watch. "I told a friend I'd meet him five minutes ago. I'd love to stay with here, but I have to go."

And Alice hurried off, once again, to Sirius Black.

_Phase 3 Phase 3 Phase 3 Phase 3 Phase 3_

"I heard Pettigrew is fluent in four languages; English, French, Italian, and Latin."

"No! It's Spanish, Chinese, Arabic, and German!"

"Does he not speak English? Because if he doesn't, how exactly does he understand the teachers?"

"He, er… he"—

"Well, whatever the case, I hear that he travels around the world every summer, and has multiple girlfriends in Spain, Japan, Egypt, and Mexico."

"He has more girlfriends than that! They're in Canada, Morocco, Albania, Paraguay, and Australia too!"

"And he carries their books to class! …at least the ones in Hogwarts anyway."

"He has girlfriends in Hogwarts? I've never seen him date anyone in Hogwarts."

"Yeah, that's the point. He only dates girls who already have boyfriends, so he has to date them in private."

"How do you know?"

"I shouldn't tell you this, but I was one of those girlfriends."

"What?"

"Yes, when I was dating Gideon Prewett, remember?"

"You were totally in love with Gideon, I can't believe you'd date someone else."

"Well, I did!"

"Then I should tell you, I dated Pettigrew too."

"No! You've never dated anyone, though! You know he only dates previously engaged girls, right?"

"Yes, but I was so great he made an exception. We met in the broom closet on the sixth floor a lot, and let me tell you, running your hands through his silky hair"—

"I already know! Remember?"

"Shut up. Pettigrew is _mine._"

"No, _I_ saw him first. _I_ get him. You can have Black."

"Why would I want Black when I could have Peter Pettigrew?"

_Phase 3 Phase 3 Phase 3 Phase 3 Phase 3_

Marlene traipsed into the spot where no one could find her. At least, no one better find her.

She had justescaped Peter and his raging fan girls and ran here immediately. What ever happened to her plan to study for Transfiguration? Peter Pettigrew, that's what. If he hadn't bothered to try and get a stupid fan club, then she could be studying in peace now.

Studying for Transfiguration during her free period…too perfect. And quiet with all those snotfaced first and second years in classes. Stupid, loud buggers.

Ah…peace and quiet…. It sounded nice after those rabid fan girls, who probably couldn't define tranquil to save their lives.

With a small smile (Marlene of fifth year would have been horrified to know that she could smile while doing homework), Marlene flipped to chapter seven, and prepared to learn all about—

"Studying for the Transfiguration exam, huh?"

Marlene gritted her teeth, and turned to the perpetrator of her silence and serenity. "Yes, all for thirteen seconds."

"Thirteen's an unlucky number. Haven't you been paying attention in Divination?"

"If you were paying attention in Divination you'd know that I don't take that class."

"Me? Pay attention in Divination? Pft. I'm only in it for the free tea."

Marlene snarled. "Just shut up with your stupid levity. Some of us are trying to study for an exam, because they don't have an innate talent for Transfiguration, Potter!"

James Potter smiled apologetically. "Sorry, McKinnon. I just feel…free today."

"Well, if you keep this up, you'll lose all your freedom when I chain you up in the Slytherin common room," Marlene grumbled, turning back to chapter seven.

James paid no heed. "I mean, I've loved Lily Evans for what? Six, seven years? Rather pathetic, really. Everything I did was about her. You know? I swear, all I did…Wake up in the morning, after a dream about Lily (usually of the wet variety), thinking of Lily, then getting dressed, smoothing everything out to impress her, then heading down to breakfast, not eating anything that'd give me bad breath—so goodbye delicious omelettes—in case Lily decided to snog me that morning. And then I'd start thinking about how to ask her out, and during class I'd only stare at the back of her head. I didn't even mind her slapping me and hexing me. So stupid…"

James sighed, and Marlene took this to mean he was finally finished with his impromptu speech, so she waited for him to leave her table—and her—in peace.

Too bad.

"But today, I woke up, and nothing! Well, maybe I did have another wet dream of the Lily variety, but I'm a hormonal teenage guy; it'll take awhile for that to stop, right? But anyway, the first thing I thought about was shoving Remus off of me, because Sirius and Peter had decided to play Remus-ball again, and since Remus was too engrossed in _Jane Eyre_ to pay attention, he wasn't going to get off me anytime soon, no matter how crushed my poor lungs were getting. Anyway, when I got dressed today, I put on my most crinkled shirt and I was very close to putting on sweatpants, but Sirius reminded me that I had none. But I was still pretty darn close. And at breakfast? I had four—count 'em—four omelettes. With onions and garlic and stuff in them. So freeing I tell you. Then during class, I wasn't thinking of how to ask her out and stuff, and I was paying attention to Flitwick, instead of staring at Lily! It was crazy. And I took notes, and then…then I came here."

Marlene sighed. She had been staring at the title of chapter seven for five minutes now. Stupid James preventing her from concentrating on her stupid book so she could study for the stupid Transfiguration exam. Stupid.

"You came here," she finally said. "So glamorous. Why, with all your freedom, did you come here?"

James scratched his head. "Er…well, Sirius is in the Astronomy tower, Remus is reading _Jane Eyre_, and Peter is being mobbed by fan girls."

Marlene looked at James blankly. "They've been doing that for seven years now…well if you replace fan girls with Gobstones nerds, yeah, pretty much. They've been doing that for seven years."

James looked at Marlene blankly. "Your point…?"

Marlene sighed once more—why was everyone else an idiot?. "My point being that your friends have been doing that for seven years, and you haven't been coming to me for entertainment those seven years, have you? You were equally entertained by something else."

"What?"

"Well, what again was it that you spent all your time doing back then?"

"…obsessing over Lily," James mumbled to himself.

"See, there's the solution to your problem. Go back and obsess over Lily and let me study _alone_."

"You're really worked up about this, huh?" James chuckled.

"Yes, well maybe I've been trying to prepare for this exam forever, and would like a chance to actually do so!"

"Determined, huh?"

Marlene dropped her head into her hands. Some guys were just _so_ thick she couldn't help contemplating dumping them completely. "Look, I know it may seem pointless with all the time I have to devote to Peter and his girlish needs and insecurities about the whole fan club business, but I don't want to fail this exam. And I'm going to spend all the time I can studying for it. Some things are worth fighting for, you know. Not that I can do that when _you're_ around. So can you please just leave me alone?"

Unfortunately for Marlene, James had completely ignored the last two sentences, as, in her opinion, they were the most important.

"Some things are worth fighting for," he repeated slowly, rolling the words over his tongue.

Suddenly his eyes lit up, and pulling his bag up onto his shoulder, he dashed out of the library.

"_Finally_," Marlene muttered to herself, turning back to chapter seven.

Then the bell signaling it was time for Marlene to go to Potions rang.

_Phase 3 Phase 3 Phase 3 Phase 3 Phase 3_

"Holy Merlin covered in unicorn turds," Mary swore as she walked into the dungeon. "I thought this was the James Potter fan club."

Hestia Jones shrugged. "We're just broadening horizons."

"Mmmhmmm," Emmeline Vance agreed, through the poster in her mouth, which she was in the midst of tacking up.

"What are you doing here?" Mary asked suspiciously. "I thought you said you'd quit after you got a boyfriend. What's Benjy Fenwick? Sliced liver?"

Emmeline snorted. "No, he's my boyfriend. And I quit the James Potter and Sirius Black fan club—but have you seen Peter Pettigrew?"

"Seeing as his image is plastered all over the room, yes I have. I take it we have a new marauding obsession, huh?"

"Of course," Dorcas Meadowes sighed dreamily.

"No, we do not have a new obsession, Dorcas," announced Rita Skeeter stiffly, striding into the room, pulling down the smiling pictures of Peter after her. "This is the James Potter fan club, and I will not stand for images of that rat spoiling the integrity of it!"

"What a sourpuss," Amelia Bones muttered.

"I am not a sourpuss! I just—I just believe that Pettigrew is not up to the quality of the other Marauders. And again, this is the James Potter fan club!"

"So?" Mafalda Hopkirk asked. "I mean, you have all those posters of Sirius littered around during the James Potter fan club. This is complete thestral shit."

And with that, Mafalda stormed out, leading countless other fan girls with her.

Mary snickered. "Looks like you have a coup on your hands, Skeeter."

_Phase 3 Phase 3 Phase 3 Phase 3 Phase 3_

Those footsteps. Those shoes.

Only one person in this school wore Mary Janes _that_ polished.

Alice.

Sirius groaned. And again after he realized he had just given away his position to _her._

"What's up?" the buoyant girl asked, sliding onto the bench next to Sirius.

"Er…the Transfiguration exam. I'm studying," Sirius lied, hiding away his pillow and rather impressive doodles.

"Oh," Alice laughed. "Aren't you actually good at that class? I can't see you having to study for it. I mean, since when do _you_ study?"

Sirius had to restrain his mouth from agreeing with her. "Er, well, you never know with McGonagall. Pretty strict, that witch is. Maybe the exam will be really hard. Which is why I'm studying. I do that sometimes. I study, _alone_. Don't you have an exam you should go off and study for?"

Alice chuckled. "McGonagall _is _pretty strict. But Dumbledore could go to her class late. And get away with it."

Sirius stared blankly at her. "Because he's the headmaster. He's not her student. It's pretty obvious."

Alice rolled her eyes. "Jeez, it's a joke, idiot. Haven't you ever heard of them? You know, Dumbledore jokes? Before Dumbledore punched it, it was known as Horizontal Alley."

Sirius couldn't help but chuckle then. Stupid traitor mouth. A stupid traitor mouth which continued to say, "Okay, maybe that was funny. But I'm more partial to dumb Slytherin jokes."

"Okay, then," Alice said. "If a Slytherin and a Gryffindor fall off the Astronomy tower, who would hit the ground first?"

Sirius grinned. "The Gryffindor, of course. The Slytherin would have to stop for directions. You really should step up your game. Everyone knows that one."

Alice laughed. "Let's see you do better."

"Avery, Snape, and Mulciber were walking through the woods, and found a set of tracks. Avery said they were rat tracks, Snape said they were dog tracks, and Mulciber said they were deer tracks. Then the Hogwarts Express ran them over."

Alice snorted. "Okay, I've always liked that one—but everyone's still heard it. Really? Can't you do better?"

Sirius smiled wickedly. "Okay, you called me. So, a Slytherin and a Ravenclaw are listening to the Wizarding Wireless Network, and there's this story about Voldemort attacking the Ministry. The Slytherin bets the Ravenclaw ten galleons that Voldemort kills the Minister of Magic. Voldemort doesn't kill the Minister, so the Slytherin hands over the ten galleons. The Ravenclaw says 'I can't take this—I already heard this story' and the Slytherin replied 'So did I; but I was sure that this time Voldemort would kill the Minister.'"

"Alright, I'll give it to you, that was awesome—and so true," Alice snickered. "I may not know that many great jokes, but I do know some. How do you make a Slytherin laugh on Friday? Tell him a joke on Monday!"

"Did you hear about the Slytherin who was locked in the bathroom?"

"He was in there so long he wet his pants," Alice replied. "What do you think I am— stupid?"

"Maybe," Sirius answered, smirking.

"Hey, at least I know what fluxweed is."

"Well, I know what Creepers are!"

"Like from the Fountain of Fair Fortune? Beetle the Bard's story? I know what that is too. It's fictional."

Sirius pouted. "Well, I can sense I'm unloved. Maybe I'll just go and"—

Alice laughed. "I know you're studying for Transfiguration, but maybe you want to study for Herbology. You know where to find me if you want help."

Sirius grinned. "That'd be nice. Thanks."

He gave her a quick hug, collected his pillow and rather impressive doodles, and headed out.

Alice sighed.

_Phase 3 Phase 3 Phase 3 Phase 3 Phase 3_

"Hi…I, er, wilugoaouwitme?"

"…pardon?" Peter asked, looking at the stammering girl, whose face was almost as red as Lily Evans' hair.

"Oh, you even speak fancily," the girl sighed.

"What is it that you want again?"

"Will you go out with me?"

"I"—

"NO! Peter, will you go out with _me?_" another girl ran up crying.

"Me!" a third girl exclaimed.

"He's MINE!" a fourth girl shouted, hugging Peter possessively from behind.

"Ooh, Peter, look," Marlene snickered. "Girls are fighting over you. Been waiting for this for years, huh?"

Peter grinned.

_Phase 3 Phase 3 Phase 3 Phase 3 Phase 3_

Lily looked back over at Benjy Fenwick and Emmeline Vance, who were _still_ going at it.

And quickly tore her eyesight back to _Hogwarts; A History_.

Merlin, she was such a voyeur.

She stopped another attempt to look at the snoggers.

Agrippa, she had hormones.

When one starts to be single (after the conventional mourning period, like the one Lily had after she dumped Gudgeon), they are generally happy about it. Uplifted, so to say. There are so many options, and it's empowering, to be able to live by oneself, and be one's own person, not defined by their significant other.

However, as time drags along, the ecstatic feeling fades, and one starts to crave romance. Maybe it is one's estrogen, or maybe it's the envy of friend's romances, but one starts to crave romance. One starts living vicariously off of friend's romance, and when that isn't enough, starts reading much more Jane Austen (when one's a muggleborn, anyway), and then moves on to one's friends' trashy teenage books, and finally moves on to Madam Pince's "hidden" stack of trashier romance novels.

And nothing makes one feel guiltier than stooping to the level of trashier romance novels.

Lily sighed, as her eyes mutinied, glancing again at Emmeline and Benjy. The only cure was a good does of testosterone.

Which, unfortunately, was not something she could go to the Hospital Wing for.

Marlene had always been good at that. She'd just find a random guy and snog him. Lily had always been against it because she claimed she wasn't a slag like that.

But non-slags don't stare at Emmeline Vance and Benjy Fenwick snogging.

Lily slammed her head down against the table. (Which did succeed in separating Emmeline and Benjy—until they went at it more fiercely a few seconds later. Lily groaned). Soon she'd be so slaggy that she'd be waiting up in the Astronomy tower for a guy to come in that she could make out with.

Marlene did it every other month. She said it was good when she was in a dry spell. (Then again, her dry spells were never longer than a few days).

Lily looked up. She was in a dry spell. And…if waiting in the Astronomy tower worked for Marlene...why wouldn't it work for her?

_Phase 3 Phase 3 Phase 3 Phase 3 Phase 3_

"Holy hippogriffs… Pettigrew!" Marlene shouted at the poor boy, staring slack-jawed at the notice board.

"What? Merlin, Marlene, are you okay?" Peter asked concernedly, waving a hand in front of her face.

"Read." She pointed to the magenta pink Marauder Fan Club flyer, on which a piece of paper had been unceremoniously taped. It read:

_P.P.S. Due to the annoying fact that while I am TRYING to concentrate on Sirius Black's chiseled abs and plans to have James Potter's baby(s) there are many annoying girls gossiping about the formerly unsexy Peter Pettigrew, whom, according to recent myth, is now sexy, we're establishing the Peter Pettigrew Fan Club. Meetings will be—well, I don't really give a fuck. You guys figure it out yourselves._

Marlene smirked. "And you thought it couldn't be done."

"Um…that was _you_, Marlene."

"Shut up Pettigrew."


	4. Phase 4 The Aftermath

**PHASE 4—The Aftermath**

"Merlin…Marlene, I finally did it!" Peter swore, looking around at all the promotional club flyers posted up around the school, and all the swooning fan girls.

"Yes," Marlene agreed. "That's the eleventh time you've said this. Can I go and read chapter seven now?"

Peter shushed her with the wave of a hand. "No, no… just _look_. They're screaming my name!"

"You mean just _listen_. And I have. For over an hour. May I please go?"

"I don't think you understand how _cool_ this is."

"I do. But"—

"Fine. Chapter seven is all yours. Still…"

Marlene smiled, hugged him, and, before she could say "chapter seven", the pair were mobbed by the screaming, swooning, senile fan girls.

"This is _awesome!_ My first mobbing!"

"Shut up, Pettigrew."

_Phase 4 Phase 4 Phase 4 Phase 4 Phase 4_

"Oohhhh… _Sirius…_ I don't know what you're doing with your tongue, but _please_ continue…" Mary moaned, straddling the boy in question.

Sirius smirked into her neck, locking eyes with her for a second before continuing on with his work.

Mary sighed. Sirius knew how to treat a girl. Physically, anyway. "_Sirius…_"

"I'm _that_ good, huh?"

Mary hit him playfully on the shoulder, before leaning over to his ear. "No one can match you, Sirius Black." And then her lips, once done emitting the phrase latched on to the ear.

Sirius, however, was in an odd position. Any other time, he would have been focusing on the sensations Mary was causing in his pants, and all the excitement—yet, he couldn't stop thinking of an earlier conversation.

"I bet Dumbledore could."

"What?" Mary said, sitting back on Sirius' lap, lips suddenly falling free from him.

"I bet—no, I'm pretty dang sure that Dumbledore's _better _at this than me," Sirius said with a chuckle.

"Er…that's not an image I really want in my head," Mary frowned. "I mean…he's our headmaster, and, and old! And isn't he supposed to be, you know, a fairy? They say that he and Grindelwald…yeah, I really don't want to think about this."

Sirius grinned. "You know, Dumbledore could show up to McGonagall's class late. And get away with it."

Mary raised an eyebrow. "Er…are you okay?" she asked, placing her hand on his forehead. Shrugging when it felt normal, her lips crashed back onto his. This _was_ the Astronomy tower, after all.

Sirius returned the favor, but couldn't get Alice out of his head. Weird. He didn't want to snog her whatsoever. But…but what?

"If," he panted, breaking away, "a Gryffindor and a Slytherin fell off the Astronomy tower, who would hit the ground first?"

"Is this some prank you're planning?" Mary asked, confused with the enigma that was formerly Sirius. "Because I'm pretty sure they'd hit at the same time."

"No, silly," Sirius breathed, his nose on hers. "The Gryffindor. The Slytherin would have to stop for directions."

Mary sighed, pulling her shirt back on. "If you're not going to take this seriously, Sirius, I'm just going to go."

Sirius just smiled goofily. _Alice_, he thought, _maybe you're not so bad_. Not many people could make him break out giggling during a snogging session.

Mary just stormed out. _Why_, she asked whoever could hear, _are all the guys in this school mental?_

_Phase 4 Phase 4 Phase 4 Phase 4 Phase 4_

Well. Maybe not _all_ guys.

"Mary!" Peter hailed his friend over.

Mary looked up from her crumpled shirt to the lighthearted face of Peter Pettigrew, and she couldn't help but smile.

Which was way more than Remus or Sirius could make her do these days.

"I here you have a fan club now. Or, I suppose, I see," Mary amended, gesturing to the vast number of girls staring excitedly at Peter.

Peter blushed. "Yeah, finally got it."

Mary patted him on the back. "Good work. Though I bet Skeeter's still pissed that she lost all her best fan girls."

"She threw a shoe at me. A pointy one."

Mary laughed. "Yep. Definitely Skeeter."

Mary scratched her neck awkwardly, as Peter stared at his shoes.

"Er…"

"Here, let me take your bag," Peter said, finally breaking the silence.

"You sure?" Mary asked, but handing the bag over. "I mean, it may not be the wisest move in front of a fan club."

"It's a fan club," Peter scoffed. "What, are they suddenly going to attack me, ripping off my limbs as souvenirs? Force me to marry them at wandpoint?"

Mary's eyes twinkled mischievously. "Maybe."

_Phase 4 Phase 4 Phase 4 Phase 4 Phase 4_

This was it.

Lily had put on her shortest skirt, moisturized, and brushed her teeth (twice).

Time to end her dry spell.

With one final application of chapstick, Lily closed the door to the Astronomy tower behind her, and leaned against the nearest column.

No…her hair should go _this_ way.

And if she turned her leg _that_ way, would it be more alluring?

…what was the appropriate etiquette for moaning one's name?

And then, the door creaked open. (Lily quickly pulled her skirt up another inch).

"Hello."

Lily almost moaned right then, his voice was so suave and strong and _masculine_. Go to hell, etiquette.

"Hi," she breathed back, made one final adjustment to her hair, clamped her hand on his shoulder, and drew him close to her.

And their lips met.

_Phase 4 Phase 4 Phase 4 Phase 4 Phase 4_

"Sign it!"

Peter grasped at the paper being shoved into his eyes.

Er…

"Uh, what is this?"

"Um, a photo of you and Sirius Black in a naked man hug. Duh."

"…how did you get this? When?"

"When you were sleeping."

Peter's eyes widened.

The girl sighed. "Well, are you going to sign it, or not?"

_Phase 4 Phase 4 Phase 4 Phase 4 Phase 4_

"No, the Gryffindor. The Slytherin has to stop for directions."

Frank snorted. "You know, I feel like I've heard this before…probably from Sirius. He loves those jokes."

"Well, some of them aren't so bad. And there are definitely more of them than Dumbledore jokes. You know, it really takes a lot out of me, trying to think up Dumbledore jokes," Alice sighed dramatically, hand on forehead.

"Oh, sorry, Alice," Frank apologized. "I mean, thinking. I know, I know, it's pretty hard, huh?"

Alice punched him.

"But I feel bad, I really do," Frank protested, shielding himself from future attacks. "You've been telling Dumbledore jokes for me, and dumb Slytherin jokes to Sirius, but what are _your_ favorite jokes?"

Alice paused. "You know, I don't really mind what type of jokes. As long as they're funny, they're fine. Except, I really despise dead house elf jokes."

"Oh? Your favorites are dead house elf jokes?" Frank grinned wickedly.

Alice rolled her eyes at him. "Very funny."

"What's worse than ten house elves nailed to one tree?" Frank teased. "One house elf nailed to ten trees!"

"Frank…" Alice warned.

"How do you know when a house elf is a dead house elf? When the dog plays with it more!"

"Frank, shut up," Alice said, in a dead serious voice.

"How many house elves does it take to paint a room? Come on, Alice, just guess," Frank grinned.

Alice glared.

"Fine, fine….don't guess. It depends on how hard you throw them!"

"I said, _shut up!_ It's fucking twisted, is what it is."

Frank paused. "Twisted depends on which way you look at it…sure, a dead house elf could be twisted."

Silence.

Before Frank could say, "Oh, you meant me?" Alice had jumped on him, pushing him to the floor.

"Maybe you want to see what it's like to be dead, just like those house elves," Alice hissed, grappling with the much larger guy, pulling at his hair, and kneeing him in some well-picked locations.

"O-kay…okay…I get it," Frank gasped. "Listen to you…when…when you say that…you don't…like….dead….how…elll…jo-hoooks…I'm…cho…'in…."

Alice relieved pressure around his neck, just a tad. "Damn right, Longbottom. I told you I don't like them, and you go ahead and tell them. It's not like they're Dumbledore jokes, dumb Slytherin jokes, or something. I told you they're twisted. Morbid, sadistic, discriminatory, and just plain creepy."

Alice sighed, let go of him, and sat back at him, so she was straddling his lap, and staring straight into his eyes.

Frank pushed himself up on his arms. "I _am_ sorry Alice. I…I'm kind of stupid sometimes."

"Y'think?"

"Marlene's pretty sadistic herself, I guess some of it rubs off."

"Just—just don't do it again, alright? I'm not always so jovial, you know."

Frank smiled at the tired-looking girl, promised not to be so stupid again, and then proceeded to be incredibly stupid.

A minute or two later, Alice pushed Frank away, looking even more pissed. "Oh yeah, so you're not going to be stupid, huh? What was _that?_"

The color drained out of his now crestfallen face. "I…I"—

"You _kissed_ me!" Alice cried anxiously. "But, but, we're _just_ friends, right?"

"Alice, I"—

"No, Frank," Alice cut him off. "We're _just friends_. We have to be. I'm going out with Sirius—or at least I will as soon as we get that butterbeer he promised, and, seriously, we're _just_ friends. I know we've been hanging out together a lot, but we're only friends..."

"Alice, maybe we"—

"Maybe you should just stay away, okay?" Alice suggested nervously, jumping off Frank, and placing her hands over her face. "If this…this shouldn't be happening. We need time apart, right? Of course it's right, I mean, I…Sirius. Sirius. I like _Sirius._ Right? Er, not right. _I like Sirius_. Just, just go away."

And Alice ran away.

"But…you kissed me back," Frank said to deaf ears.

_Phase 4 Phase 4 Phase 4 Phase 4 Phase 4_

"Peter!"

"Peter!

"_Peter!_"

"…PETER!"

"What?" Peter turned around, eying the group of girls suspiciously. They looked a bit too innocent.

A fourth year simpered at him. "We just…just wanted to check in on a few things."

"Like what?"

"Well, you know Mary MacDonald, right?"

"Yeah…why?"

"She's a part of the fan club and everything, but she won't talk to us. And we really want to make a few things clear—for the general welfare of everyone in the club."

"Seriously, what?" Peter said, fed up of the dawdling and the stalling.

"Look, you're not dating Mary, right?"

"_What?_"

The fourth year smiled. "Good. See, you have to stay single for the good of the fan club. I mean…what ever would we do if you had a girlfriend?"

"Stalk me anyway?" Peter suggested sarcastically

_Phase 4 Phase 4 Phase 4 Phase 4 Phase 4_

"…and you should have _seen_ what she was doing with her lips. Holy Merlin fucking a goat, it was _crazy_. I could have…well, never mind what I could have done…"

James sighed. Sirius was mental. He had come in, dazed, confused, and a tad disappointed. And now he was bothering the rest of the dorm with his snogging and telling. Not the best dorm mate.

Remus could only be of the same opinion. Maybe to even more of an extreme. The nerve of what singles did these days. Rather disgusting. Jane would not have stood for it.

Frank agreed that it was too much information, too. What else could depress him more? After his epic fail at snogging the girl he fancied, Sirius rubbing it in about his grand snog with a stranger was not the most comforting.

Peter was thinking about Mary.

"…but, while she was doing that crazy thing on my neck, I opened my eyes, you know, cause I like looking at the moon while snogging. Not sure why exactly, probably some internal kinky desire or something… but anyway, this is crazy, guys, I opened my eyes, and the moon was positioned just so that all I could see was red hair"—

James sat up, in a giant coughing fit, looking at Sirius with wide eyes.

"—and who was it but Lily Evans. Crazy, I know? And I was expecting Mary! I mean, shag a girl enough times in a week and she's the one you expect to be waiting for you in the Astronomy tower, you know? Fortunately, I was able to separate myself before—well before we shagged…but that was one snog, mates. I swear, Prongs, I might just have to take her. You're over her and all, but you don't mind, do"—

Sirius was cut off by James' fist smashing into his face.

"Ow…" Sirius whimpered, as James stalked out of the room. "What a jerk, don't you think, Remus?"

Remus scowled. "I've been dating Mary for the past week."

Another fist to Sirius' face, and Remus stalked out right behind James (_Jane Eyre_ in tow, of course), as Sirius screeched "I didn't know! I swear! She told me she broke up with you! Muh—oooooneeeee! Come back! Come back to me! Please? Pretty please? Pretty please with cherries on top? I swear I DIDN'T KNOW!" to his back

Sirius looked with hope to Peter. "_You're_ on my side, right, Peter? I mean, I"—

"Didn't know, yeah, yeah," Peter chimed in, looking like he had sucked an acid pop to within an inch of his life (or at least a cockroach cluster). "But really? _This _is how you treat her? Snog other girls behind her back?"

And yet again, there was a fist in Sirius' mouth, and a marauder stalking out the door.

"Didn't know he was dating her too…" Sirius grumbled, turning to Frank. "Well, Frank. It's your turn now. Going to tell me that you're Mary's cousin/incestuous lover, and as Lily's best friend you're going to punch my lights out too?"

Frank shook his head at the bruising boy, and flopped back onto his bed. Damn. _This_ was the guy Alice had rejected him for.

Fuck. _Alice._ Did she know?

_Phase 4 Phase 4 Phase 4 Phase 4 Phase 4_

Peter sighed, kicking at the floor.

Mary was dating Remus? And sleeping with Sirius? And how hadn't he known this?

And if he hadn't known that…what had he known? Mary was probably also pining over James—why not try and get all the marauders? All she had to do was seduce Peter…

And he had wanted—well it didn't matter anymore what he wanted. She probably didn't want it. Eurgh.

At least—

Unicorn turds.

It's the fan club.

Peter swore and tucked himself behind a tapestry depicting (rather gruesomely) the battle of Elvendork, during the Goblin Wars of 1214.

"Where is he?" a voice whined. "I haven't seen him in _forever_. Like, not since lunch."

"I don't know! Maybe we should just leave the chocolates with James or Sirius or Remus? They'll give them to him."

"Yeah, but we already gave them Amortentia-spiked candies. They'd probably expect it and throw it away. And I _really_ want to date Peter."

"I know! But why should you get him? I want him too!"

"Well you can have James or something."

"No fair!"

"Well, maybe I'll convince Peter and the others to let you in on our marauder fivesome."

"You better…."

As the footsteps faded away, Peter sighed. At least Mary wasn't a _crazy_ bitch.

_Phase 4 Phase 4 Phase 4 Phase 4 Phase 4_

Ah…peace and quiet—once again—with chapter seven…

"_Marlene!_"

Marlene dropped her head to the table. Fuck this. Fuck studying. Fuck Lily. Fuck _everything_.

Lily slid onto the bench across from Marlene, collapsed on the table. Her nose was super red.

Crap. Crappity-crap-crap.

There was no way Marlene was studying today.

"What is it?" she asked hesitantly—and hesitantly for good reason, because Lily burst into tears.

After a few (if the word few is defined liberally) minutes of endless sobbing (and glares from Madam Pince), the bawling died down, because, and really only because, Lily had cried her tear reservoir empty.

"I'm so _stupid_," Lily wailed into chapter seven, her tear drops making it almost unreadable.

"Lily, just tell me, what happened?"

Lily swallowed, and sat up just a bit more. "Well…after you guys had left, and I was all alone in the library, you know, just a few days ago, remember?"

"Yes," Marlene lied.

"I just…I…Emmeline was snogging Benjy Fenwick!"

"Er…okay? They do that a lot, Lily."

Lily sniveled. "See…I felt so lonely, and they were snogging! And you've got all your shag-friends, and Frank's got Alice, or I think he does…are they dating yet? But even Remus has a girlfriend and I…and I hadn't snogged since Davy Gudgeon two years ago so I did that thing you do, you know?"

Marlene didn't know.

"You know, when you wait up in the Astronomy tower for some random guy to snog you! And then your drought ends, you know! And I did that, because I've been having a two-year-long drought, and yours are only a few days, and then Sirius Black snogged me!"

Information overload. Marlene blinked. "Er…"

"And he wasn't bad or anything, but then he looked at me, and he was all 'You're not Mary!' and it turns out he's been shagging Mary MacDonald up in the tower for the past two weeks…"

Some brunette girl two tables away ran past, pushing Marlene's book off the table. Marlene grumbled at the pallid girl, and turned back to Lily.

"…then Remus looked all strange at me, like Peter did, and Frank said he wanted to talk to me about something, but I ran away because isn't it obvious that Sirius told everyone? And now the whole school's going to know by dinner…and I'll be the laughingstock. Not even Sirius Black would shag me…"

"You _want_ Sirius Black to shag you?" Marlene asked, a disgusted look on her face. "Think of all the diseases he has."

The corners of Lily's mouth tugged a bit upwards. "It's more about pride, you know? And I was sort of horny too. I guess watching Vance and Fenwick procreate and that two-year-long dry spell do things to a girl."

Marlene paused. "Two-year-long dry spell? But didn't James snog you only a few months ago?"

Lily blushed. "That doesn't count…it was"—

"Don't say unrequited. You may not have wanted it _at first_, but I hear Potter's good in the broom closet. I bet you kissed back."

Lily blushed.

"Aha!" Marlene crowed. "You don't deny it! Come on, why didn't you go straight to James for a snog?"

"You've always said that if you just want a snog, don't get any feelings involved," Lily retorted triumphantly.

"Touché," Marlene conceded. "However, you do just realize you admitted that you have feelings for James Potter, right?"

"No!" Lily denied, just a bit _too_ quickly. "It's because…he, he's been avoiding me, and you know, there are feelings on _his_ side, and I'm not really sure what's going on, because he hasn't asked me out in a while, or attempted to kiss me, and he usually does that all the time. And it's been a few weeks, so I was just wondering, you see, and it's kind of awkward, because I have no clue what he's doing, or thinking, or anything, and if I approached him, he might recoil, so I don't want to do anything that'll scare him off…I think."

Marlene stopped, to appreciate the integrity of the speech. And then continued to destroy it. "Just how much have you been thinking about this, Lily? You seem to be keen on James."

"No, not at all," Lily hastened to assure. "See, with you and Frank busy with Peter and Alice respectively, I've had a lot of time to think. About a lot of stuff. Like my dry spell and Potter, of course, but I've been thinking about everything under the rainbow. Why are unicorns scared of men? Probably because they're all bastards. Are you secretly dating Peter? No, you haven't dated since Sirius broke your heart. Is Dumbledore gay or European? Not sure, but he's definitely not in love with McGonagall. Er…yeah."

Marlene eyed Lily, very bemused. (If you wouldn't be bemused in this situation, please, for the good of humanity, go see a doctor. Specifically one who helps people by letting them live in nice, clean, white rooms, with comfortable jackets that let one hug oneself as long as they like).

"So, as you can see, there is no way that _I_ fancy _Ja_—that is, _Potter_."

Marlene sighed. There was only one way that Lily would see the light of her inevitable crush.

"So, you know, I was talking to James earlier, and he was talking about how Sirius told him that he snogged you, and"—

"What did he say?" she asked urgently, shoving her wide eyes right under Marlene's nose. A bit awkward, if you must ask.

Marlene snorted (a bit of a bad idea in that position, but it worked out fine, everyone survived). "Lily. I didn't talk to him. But I bet he heard, if Peter, Remus and Frank all did."

Lily sighed, and dropped her head back on the mangled chapter seven. "It's just…"

"Lily, there really is no excuse for this behavior. Even though you keep denying it—which in the end will just provoke it—you fancy James. Only a step away from being head over heels in love, if I dare say so. So, stop wallowing, and start thinking of what you're going to say to James, about you liking him, and about you snogging-almost-shagging his best friend."

Lily groaned. "I really need better friends."

_Phase 4 Phase 4 Phase 4 Phase 4 Phase 4_

Suddenly Peter Pettigrew couldn't breathe. And couldn't see or move either.

Peter readied himself to fight his attacker—whoever had petrified him.

But then Rita Skeeter removed her lips from his.

"Argh!" he screeched, looking at her, and ways to escape, fully intending to wash his mouth with hydrogen peroxide as soon as he had escaped. "What…why…_how?_"

Rita just laughed, restraining him in her iron grip (Peter was pretty sure he was starting to bruise), and leaning back in to snog the living daylights out of him.

Peter was really wishing someone had petrified him right now.

"Mmm…Peter…" Rita whispered hoarsely. "I can tell why they say you're a good snogger now…"

Peter stared at her, horrified. Rita Skeeter was _not_ the person he imagined he'd share his first kiss with.

Rita laughed at his expression. "I know, I know," she confessed, "it's pretty weird. I mean, you probably thought I hated you, right? Well, I sort of did. But that's not the point. The point is…Peter Pettigrew, I think I'm in love with you."

Peter squealed—his inner animagus taking control.

"I realized, sitting at the Sirius Black fan club, that you're not so bad looking. It was prejudice really, that kept me from seeing how sexy you really are." Here Rita stopped to sigh. "I mean, I have always wished to have a foursome with the marauders—minus you, of course. But I realized it'd be incomplete without you…and that got me thinking, maybe you're not that bad, you know?"

Rita slowly took her hands off of Peter's arm, placed them on the buttons to his shirt, and started, once again, to lean into his mouth.

Peter squeaked and ran, leaving Rita to fall headfirst into the stone wall.

Served her right.

_Phase 4 Phase 4 Phase 4 Phase 4 Phase 4_

Remus frowned. Despite being in his happy place (his favorite arm chair, in front of his favorite fireplace, with his favorite book), there was something wrong. What could it be?

Oh, yeah. Maybe that his girlfriend cheated on him with his best friend?

Remus' frown deepened. He _never_ used sarcasm (it just wasn't very polite—Jane would disapprove).

But, anyway, not that he was necessarily angry with Sirius. Sirius had said he hadn't known—and Remus would know that Sirius was damn oblivious.

Excuse the foul language.

But Mary. What was wrong with him as a boyfriend? Jane Eyre would certainly appreciate him.

Remus sighed, with the knowledge that he'd never be content unless he did something, got up, and walked straight into Mary.

Perfect.

"You…you scarlet woman!" Remus sputtered, pointing at Mary.

"_What?_"

"You heard me." Remus folded his arms and glared at his soon-to-be-ex-girlfriend. "You are a _trollop_. A _strumpet_. A _brazen hussy_. A _nickel floozy_."

"Okay! I get the picture. But I'd like to know why my _boyfriend_ is going around calling me a whore, as we say it in the 20th century," Mary replied dryly.

Remus winced at her wording. But straightened and continued, "I'm not your boyfriend anymore, MacDonald."

Mary almost sighed with relief. "Okay…I'm not sure where this came from, but whether we're going out or not, I still deserve an explanation."

"You should know. Or did you forget your improper ways?"

Mary sighed. "That doesn't help. Just—please, explain."

"Do your nights in the Astronomy tower ring a bell?"

Mary stared. "How…how do you know?"

"Sirius told the whole dorm not ten minutes ago."

Mary groaned. "Great. The whole school will know by dinner. Thanks Sirius, for kissing and telling."

Remus shrugged. Why should he bother to clarify after what she did to him? She didn't even seem contrite or ashamed or _anything_ really. How embarrassing.

"So, you can see why dumping you is the only logical reaction," Remus said instead. "How you could have a worse girlfriend, I'm not sure."

"Remus…" Mary started softly. "I'm sorry. I really am. I shouldn't have done that to you. I'm not going to deny it; yes, I slept several times with Sirius. I should have dumped you earlier."

Remus gawked at her.

"Dumped…me? But you're"—

"Yes, there's no excuse for my behavior. But you should know that you're almost as bad a boyfriend as I am a girlfriend," Mary continued, with a bit more vigor. "I mean, nothing's as bad as sleeping with your best friend—but what else was I supposed to do when you were spending all our dates going on about Jane fucking Eyre?"

"Do not use Jane Eyre's name in"—

"And you're still more in love with her than me! You never really loved me," Mary exclaimed. "You just tried to make me into your own carbon-copy of Jane Eyre! I mean, I'm certainly not changing for you! I wanted nothing more than for you to accept me for who I am, but you never did."

Remus just stared, not sure whether he was more insulted, apologetic, or puzzled. Mostly, he just wanted _Jane Eyre_.

Mary stopped, though, and threw her arms around Remus. "I am sorry, though," she whispered in his ear. "I guess we were never meant to be. But one day, you'll find someone perfect."

"I hope she's like Jane Eyre," Remus sighed as Mary let go.

"Nah," Mary snorted. "She'll probably have short purple hair, and nose rings, and be the clumsiest person you've ever met."

"…I hope not."

Mary smiled. "You are the most fiction-obsessed person I'll ever know. Rather endearing, actually, when I'm no longer dating you. Friends?" Mary asked, sticking out her hand.

"Friends," Remus agreed, shaking her hand. "And…about Sirius telling the whole dorm…he only told Frank, James, Peter, and me, so there's a good chance that the you-shagging-Sirius story won't get out for a while, if it gets out…but then again, you know the Hogwarts gossip, unstoppable…"

Mary's eyes widened. "Peter knows?"

_Phase 4 Phase 4 Phase 4 Phase 4 Phase 4_

Mary slapped herself. Internally of course.

Maybe losing Remus was okay. And Sirius…well he was probably going to lose interest with her as a fuckbuddy sometime, anyway.

But Peter? What the hell did she do? She had _finally_ found a worthwhile guy—which was hammered in by those freaking fan girls she had to live with—

Who seemed to be traveling hurriedly down the corridor. Towards her.

Mary blanched. Did they find out about her and Peter?

Not that they were dating or anything. Yet. It might have been a nice thing…had she not been so stupid. But—

Focus.

Mary turned, and there he was. _Peter_.

"Holy Merlin," she gasped. "PETER!"

And before the storm of hormonal girls could rip him to shreds, she pushed him into the empty Charms classroom.

Peter looked at her weirdly, sat up, brushed the invisible dirt off his clothing, and said, "Well, thank you, for pushing me onto the floor out of the blue. I feel so loved."

"You could at least thank me."

"For what?"

"Didn't you see that horde of fan girls? Remember when I told you that your fan club would eventually mob you and rip off your limbs as souvenirs?"

"Maybe. You said maybe. That was not definite."

Mary rolled her eyes. "And Rita Skeeter snogging you? I told you you'd be forced into a wedding at wandpoint. And knowing Rita, that could happen pretty soon."

"How did you hear about that? About Skeeter attacking me?" Peter asked suspiciously. "Were…were you _watching_?"

"No. No! _Merlin_ no!" Mary gaped at him. "Who do you think I am? Some sort of… Nevermind. I wasn't watching. If you remember, I said I'd be the first to join your fan club."

Peter grumbled. "And the first to leave."

Mary sighed. "I don't know why you think that. I'm still in it."

Peter raised an eyebrow, looking at her pointedly.

"Okay, okay. I know. Dating Remus and shagging Sirius…well those were sort of from before I knew you, and…Holy hippogriff. I could explain this to you, but Agrippa knows it'd take forever, and I'm not that articulate anyway, so I'm just going to do this the only slaggish way I know how."

Then Mary kissed him.

_Phase 4 Phase 4 Phase 4 Phase 4 Phase 4_

Life, almost anyone would agree, comprised a series of thankless tasks.

Frank wasn't quite sure where this came from, but it sounded pretty nice, didn't it? All stories have to have that one moment of ingenious clarity. The whole "it is an undeniable fact that all single men in possession of good fortune must be in want of a wife" (or something like that, anyway) bit that would be quoted for the rest of eternity, and professors of literature would spend lives expounding the meaning of eleven words.

Surely, for the sake of those suffering teenagers, Frank could somehow fit the phrase into his current predicament.

Alice, the love of his life, or really, the like of his life—he wasn't nearly old enough, and hadn't known Alice nearly long enough to be in love—was in love with a scoundrel in possession of a massive libido.

And what was Frank to do? Just let her rip her heart out over such a worthless subject? Tempting as it was, Frank wasn't that malicious (he just happened to know two or three dead house elf jokes). And so, here he was, searching for Alice, so he could tactfully break the news to her. Whatever she'd do with it…well, Frank wouldn't be too surprised if she _still_ wanted Black. But she was stubborn that witch.

It was rather admirable, really. Maybe that was why Frank—

"You fucking _bastard!_ You son of a banshee!"

Frank stopped talking to himself, startled by the sudden flash of green.

Holy flobberworms. Was someone being killed?

…no. It turned out that Sirius Black was just being hit with a rather potent bat bogey hex. Frank never knew that Sirius Black could be that ugly. But, then again, bat bogeys could make veelas ugly.

But the point is, Sirius was collapsed in a sniffling heap at the end of the corridor, with a wand pointed at him by an angry…Alice.

Frank was not expecting that.

Well, at least there was one less thankless task.

"_We_ were going to get butterbeer. You said so yourself!"

Sirius let out a little sob. "My beauty… Alice, I didn't mean on a date! I swear!"

"Well, it wasn't that clear to me," Alice seethed. "I thought that you liked me, and then I overhear Evans and McKinnon talking about how you've been sleeping with Mary! Do you know how much that hurts? Almost as much as this will"—

"Alice!" Frank cried in terror, running over in front of Sirius. "You can't use the Cruciatus! He may deserve it"—

"Hey!" Sirius protested indignantly.

"—but you could go to Azkaban! He's not worth it! He's just a stupid wanker!"

Alice raised an eyebrow. "I wasn't going to use the Cruciatus curse. I was just going to jab him in the eye with my wand."

"Oh."

Sirius flinched. "Listen to him, Alice! Look, I really am just a wanker. Not really dating material. Didn't really ever want to date you—or anyone else," Sirius hastily amended himself at a sharp look from Alice. "Frank's been the one who's been crazy about since forever. Won't shut up about it, really. Almost to the point where I can't sleep. Rather sad. But cute I suppose. So yeah…don't waste your time torturing me. Why do that when you could find a nice dark corner with Longbottom?"

Alice bit her lip, and looked up at Frank. "You talk about me that much?"

Frank blushed.

"He really likes you, you know!" Sirius called helpfully.

Her brow furrowed. "The dead house elf jokes"—

"I like Dumbledore jokes _much_ better, I promise," Frank said softly.

Alice smiled. "Dumbledore could tell a dead house elf joke and make me laugh."

"I wouldn't want to."

The corners of Alice's mouth tugged upwards.

"Awww… how cute…" Sirius sighed spectacularly. "You should definitely go find a dark corner to snog in and leave me alone. _Definitely_. Heh-heh…"

Alice, after a condescending look at Sirius, pecked Frank on the cheek. "I wouldn't mind listening to his advice, personally," she whispered, with a smile at Frank.

Frank beamed at her. "Sure. But only part of his advice."

Letting go of Alice's hand, he ambled over to Sirius, bent over, and said, "_Now_ it's my turn."

And he punched Sirius in the nose.

"Let's go," Frank said to a smirking Alice.

Sirius, a fat, manly tear rolling down his cheek, in mourning for his beauty, lay there, watching Frank and Alice's figures getting smaller, his arm around her waist, her head on his shoulder.

"Okay…maybe I deserved that," Sirius admitted. "But you're not, you're not just going to leave me here? Really? Don't leave me here all alone to _die!_"

"Good riddance," muttered Alice.

_Phase 4 Phase 4 Phase 4 Phase 4 Phase 4_

Peter stalked into Professor Slughorn's room, slightly recoiling at the sight of some many cheerful copies of him covering the wall as some sort of improvised wallpaper.

"You," he said, pointing at a small, tittering second year. "Get all your fan club friends, and tell them Peter Pettigrew is waiting in the dungeons to speak to them."

The second year, so excited at the prospect of her idol speaking to her, tripped over herself several times before reaching the door. But she finally made it there, and with one last longing look at Peter before she dashed away.

"Same with you," Peter said to the fifth year who had been sitting next to her. "And you, and all of you. Go!"

Now Peter could do nothing but wait.

_Phase 4 Phase 4 Phase 4 Phase 4 Phase 4_

"So, you're going to be fine by yourself for a while?" Marlene asked concernedly. "I'm going to…er, get a book recommended. Yeah. So, be back in a bit."

Lily grunted into her arms, rolling her eyes as she listened to Marlene "furtively" whisper, "James, coast is clear! She's all yours."

And not a minute later, someone was sitting down next to her. Figures. Marlene _was_ always a sadist.

"I suppose there's no chance of running away now, is there?" Lily sighed, propping herself up on her elbows.

James shook his head. "I've got you where I want you, and that's where you're going to stay."

Lily raised an eyebrow. "That wasn't creepy or _anything_."

James blushed in return. "Er…it slipped out?"

Lily chuckled. "Yeah, and I don't regret snogging Black."

The pair winced in unison.

"Apparently I need tact as well as common sense," Lily muttered. "I am just an _awful_ person today. Someone Avada Kedavra me."

James' eyes shot up to catch hers. "No, Lily. I don't think that. Obviously you're not perfect"—

"Thanks."

"You know what I mean. But, your faults are what make you _you_, and I don't think I'd want to date a perfect Lily."

"You want to date me?" Lily perked up.

James snorted. "One would think you'd know that after the three years I've been asking you out for."

Lily blushed. "Alright then. No tact, no common sense, _and_ no brains."

"You can't have everything," James shrugged.

"And what _exactly_ do I have?"

"Almost everything else."

And really, what could a girl do but swoon? Who was this guy? Lord Byron or something? Talking this smooth should be illegal. It causes girls everywhere to fall and hurt themselves.

"Interesting philosophy," James chuckled. (Crap. Was Lily thinking aloud? Or did James get the ability to read minds?) "But I promise that I won't let you get hurt with me."

"Potter," Lily replied, "I'm sorry that I lack tact and common sense and brains. Because if I didn't, I would have asked you out much sooner."

James grinned.

"I'll take that as a yes," Lily giggled, leaning in to kiss him.

But James leant back.

"What, I'm good enough to date, but not to kiss?" a bewildered Lily asked.

"_No_," James answered quickly, flushing embarrassedly. "I want to kiss you! It's just…er, well, I don't want to kiss you before using a lot of mouthwash."

"What you want to be minty fresh just for me?" Lily smiled. "That's so sweet. But really, it's fine, James."

But James pushed her away again, running a nervous hand through his hair.

"I, er, well, I may or may not have kissed Snape half an hour ago."

Lily blanched. "So, you like men now? And…Snape? Of all the guys in our school?"

"No! It was for a bet…" James reddened even more, as he explained the terms of the bet. "…so I really don't want to subject you to kissing a mouth that's probably crawling in Snape slime."

Lily smirked. "It's fine, James. Mine's covered in Sirius."

"…so if we kissed, it'd be like Snape and Sirius snogging?"

"Yeah."

"Sounds fun."

Somewhere, far away, in a collapsed heap upon the floor (with an almost certainly broken nose), Sirius felt a tinge of grease in his mouth.

_Phase 4 Phase 4 Phase 4 Phase 4 Phase 4_

"Peter!"

"Oh, _Peter!_"

"I told you, he's here to declare his love to me."

"He's going to propose to _me!_"

"Hello, I'm Peter"—

"Maybe we'll just have a big orgy…sigh…"

"Ohhhh…that sounds _good_."

"—Pettigrew. I…"

"I hear he can give you an orgasm by just _looking_ at you."

"Are you listening?"

"Damn it. I call first dibs."

"Do you think he'll look at me? I want an orgasm."

"Would you mind listening?"

"Sirius just cums and leaves, never gives you want you want, you know?"

"Excuse me."

"He's MINE! Property of RITA SKEETER!"

"…and when he flexes his tattoo, the lion roars!"

"_Excuse me._"

"I hear he has two"—

"_EXCUSE ME!_" shouted a voice above all the others—literally, as there was Peter, standing on a chair, and looking quite self-righteous. The girls he looked at, however, did not get orgasms.

But at least everyone was paying attention to him.

"I would like to thank all of you for coming. I called you here"—

"To shag as all in never ending succession!"

"Er…no," Peter said, to the disappointment of many, looking rather disturbed. "I was going to say to tell you about myself."

"Eurgh. He's not going to start talking about _feelings_, is he?"

There was a discontented murmur, until Peter whistled rather loudly.

"Alright, just pay attention to me, will you? It won't take long, and then you can return to obsessing over James or Sirius—no, shut up. I know, I know, you think I'm cooler than them. Well, I'm not. I'm not some sex basilisk like you think I am, who can give you orgasms with a look. I'm not even that sexy. Honestly, I have no clue why you obsess over me. You guys were just sort of tired of James and Sirius and Remus, so as soon as I come in, carrying a few bags, you start thinking of me as someone I'm not.

"I'll admit, a week ago, this was all I wanted. To be like everyone else, with a fan club. But I've realized, maybe this really isn't what I want. Remus doesn't have a big enough club to pay attention to, besides the fact that he only really pays attention to Jane Eyre; James is so in love with Lily he doesn't think of you; and Sirius just shags you and runs. None of them really thinks of you guys, or your feelings. And every time I look at you now, I feel like you don't know me.

"I know, now I'm 'sexy' and can flip my hair, and apparently can snog well. But, I just got a friend to make me into the whole heartthrob package. In reality, I'm a normal guy—probably even geekier than a normal guy. Come on, I'm the president of the Gobstones club. I'd never snogged anyone until Rita Skeeter attacked me earlier today. And my hair's not actually this soft. I'm not the type of guy who girls obsess over.

"I'm not saying, however, that you should get rid of the Peter Pettigrew Fan Club. And I'm not saying you should keep it, either. Do want you want with it, but please don't make me into someone I'm not. I'm just a normal guy who's incontrovertibly in love with Mary MacDonald."


	5. Phase 5 The Girlfriend

**PHASE 5—The Girlfriend**

"I am not an angel and I will not be one till I die: I will be myself. Mr. Rochester, you must neither expect nor exact anything celestial of me—for you will not get it, anymore than I shall get it of you, which I do not at all anticipate."

Ah, good old Charlotte Bronte, and _Jane Eyre_. Nothing could soothe the soul. Nothing had the innate ability to relax Remus quite like—

"And then, I told her no! It was crazy. I mean, she was a good snogger and all, but I said to her that this shagging without dating had to end. It wasn't right you know? I got in one last snog, but I'm glad it was over."

—good ol' Jane.

Remus rolled his eyes. Sirius' promiscuity (or ex-promiscuity, really) ruined the mood sometimes.

"You know," Lily said thoughtfully, "it's probably a good thing you didn't shag her. I mean, Emmeline's been snogging Benjy Fenwick for a while now—and Merlin knows what else—and apparently, Benjy was with Dorcas Meadowes and contracted herpes. If you had shagged Emmeline…well, it probably wouldn't be pretty."

"So thank Merlin you didn't shag Sirius," James cut in.

Lily and Sirius blushed.

"Shut up," the former muttered.

"But it's fine, because you're all mine now," James laughed, pulling Lily onto his lap with a kiss.

"Agrippa, my eyes!" Alice cried dramatically, passing by with Frank in tow (who added, for good measure, "Get a room, you two!")

"Where are you two going?" Sirius asked suspiciously.

"Going to get a butterbeer," Alice replied pointedly.

"Skipping the Transfiguration exam?" Remus asked aghast, finally looking up from his beloved Jane.

The pair shrugged. "If Dumbledore could do it, why can't we?" Frank replied, to mass confusion, so then continued, "You should be glad anyway. You already have to sit with the pile of sopping mush otherwise known as Lily and James, and Mary and Peter are coming over right now. You don't really want a third couple to solidify your loneliness in this world."

The couple continued on to leave the Great Hall, and Frank was proved true as Mary and Peter sat next to a studying Marlene.

"Have you seen the latest flyer?" Peter asked excitedly.

"I thought you got over the whole fan club thing?" Sirius asked confusedly.

"I did, but this isn't about the Peter Pettigrew Club."

"Not specifically anyway," Mary added, her hand intertwining with Peter's underneath the table as the two shared a small smile.

Lily grabbed the pink paper as Peter turned to Marlene.

"So, studying for the Transfiguration exam, huh?"

Marlene sighed and looked up. "You know, I feel like that's been asked a lot lately. However, whenever it's been asked, I wasn't studying, because someone was distracting me! In fact, this is the first actual opportunity I've gotten to read chapter seven, and I barely can, as it's been cried over and is now _barely legible_," Marlene spat, eying Lily.

Lily blushed as she handed the flyer back to Peter.

"And you!" Marlene turned to Peter. "I've been working my arse off for the past week helping you get a fan club, and then you go and get rid of it! All that time I could have been studying! I'd have been on chapter _twenty_ by now!"

Peter didn't even have the decency to blush.

"Just read it, Marlene," he said simply, pushing the neon flyer towards her. "Maybe it wasn't all for nothing."

_Dear Fellow Enthusiast,_ it read.

_Do you respect guys who wait faithfully for one girl for years? Do you admire guys who care about their looks just as much as you do? Do you look up to guys who read constantly? Do you value guys who won't compromise their morals and interests to fit in with the status quo? Do you love guys who are loyal friends?_

_Well, then the Marauder Fan Club is for you._

_This is the club that appreciates the fabulous foursome, the unforgettable, and pretty darn cute, pranksters of our generation, including the stubborn yet patient Quidditch captain James Potter, the beautiful but crazy ex-player Sirius Black, the smart and faithful Bronte-lover Remus Lupin, and the average although extraordinary Gobstones' club president Peter Pettigrew._

_Despite our previous reputation, as a bunch of crazy bitches, we'd like to think that we've changed. We're not just looking at the superficial accomplishments of these boys. We've learned—the hard way—that there's more to them then their hair, their sculpted abs, and their prowess in the Astronomy tower. We are here to appreciate the fact that as wonderful as they are, they're still normal guys with normal needs and wants._

_And we promise to their current and future girlfriends that we aren't out only for dating them. I can say, though only for myself, that I would settle to be just their friend, and I hope I will have the chance to work with them in the future._

_So, if you also value, esteem, look up to, admire, and/or respect the Marauders, you are welcome to join us in our now biweekly meetings from 4 to 4:30 Thursday afternoons in the courtyard._

_Sincerely,_

_Hestia Jones, Marauder Fan Club President_

_P.S. You can't, however, deny that these boys aren't the sexiest boys you've ever seen._


End file.
